Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: For three years, my niece and I had season's tickets to the ballet. But our dates started to conflict with her church's youth group activities. My sister and her husband are deeply religious.
This year, I suggested a couple of outings and checked they would not conflict with her schedule. Just before the second outing, however, there was a conflict. I was told the church had organized something very "special" on the same day.
My feelings were deeply hurt and I decided to address the issue of commitment with my sister, who explained that the church event was very "special" because the guest speaker would be addressing spiritual matters relevant to teenage girls. In her view, I should relieve my niece of her commitment to me.
I pointed out that my steadfast commitment to my niece has a lot to teach her about family, love and commitment. My sister agreed to let her daughter come with me but is very upset with me. She thinks I can't understand because I'm not a Christian.
IT'S NOT ABOUT GOD
Religion has nothing to do with it. The point here is a date commitment. Once a social engagement is committed to, one can't back out simply because something more attractive comes along. Especially if there are items such as ticket costs, travel time and reservations. Yes, some situations trump a social engagement. One calls with as much notice as possible to explain and make alternative arrangements. A teenaged niece in this situation is old enough to start managing her social calendar, with some input from her parents about appropriate choices. She needs to learn to make choices, and the parents need to learn to respect those choices.
- Keith Cartmell, Calgary
GIVE IT UP, HEATHEN
You are witnessing not only the efforts of your sister's family but the power of the collective Christian group to "rein" in potentially errant members of their flock who stray a little too far. In their eyes, you are a heathen, and the only reason this did not come up before is because the ballet hadn't interfered with a Christian activity. My boyfriend's sister is fervently Christian and if something is her will when it comes to spiritual matters concerning her two daughters, you won't come out on top. Give it up - you will only strain the relationship you have with your sister.
- Patricia Russell,
Maple Ridge, B.C.
YOU WON, DON'T RUB IT IN
Your niece is a very lucky young lady in that she has an extended family member interested in her cultural and social development. Don't make her choose between you or her mother or her religion. You basically won the argument, so be gracious. Don't discuss religion with your sister and don't mention the argument again. If she brings up the fact that her daughter missed the spiritual retreat, be conciliatory. "Yes, that's too bad, hopefully they can have another one soon." Be neutral, but find a way to give your sister some kudos for caring about her daughter's spiritual development.
- Eva Guzewski,
Burlington, Ont.
THE FINAL WORD
Dear Auntie,
Art versus religion. You are fighting an age-old battle in its most microscopic form: between sisters. You have your season's tickets. Your sister has God. As Calendar Cartmell wisely inquires: Is your niece too young to make her own decisions? Pointe shoes or the good book, when can her dance card be her call?
