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Group Therapy is a weekly relationship-based advice column that allows readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we'll offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, and then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

THE QUESTION

I've been married for 15 years and been together with my wife for 20.

We're an average couple with average looks and have settled into a pretty average life.

At this point, it's a little too average for my liking and I'm wondering how I can persuade my wife to get involved in a threesome or a couples situation.

We're pretty adventurous in the bedroom, and I think this is the next logical step. No guy-on-guy stuff for me, but I could handle seeing my wife with another woman or man as long as I was there.

When I brought it up, she told me she's not interested in being with another woman, but I think she may play with another man under the right circumstances.

I have no intentions of cheating, but feel that by opening our sex lives up to other partners as a couple we'll be closer and more satisfied.

What can I say to my wife to get her onside?

-Average Joe

GET OVER IT, MAN-CHILD

It seems that you have a delayed case of the seven-year itch, and I suspect that you yourself are a textbook case of arrested development. You are not an average husband.

At this stage of life you should be busy raising a family, striving to attain a secure position in the business world, overseeing the welfare of aging parents, getting involved at some level in community affairs and perhaps be trying to squeeze in an occasional golf game.

Your juvenile desire to become a middle-aged swinger has probably shocked and hurt your wife and she may even now be quietly buying time until she sees a lawyer.

The action you propose is immoral, destructive and dangerous. Once your wedding vows are broken, that bond of trust is shattered and your marriage will never be the same. The physical diseases you may catch will be the least of your problems. If you want some excitement, why not try climbing Mount Everest or bungee jumping off the CN Tower?

- Carolyn Tytler,

St. Catharines, Ont.

TIME FOR A REALITY CHECK

While the idea of bringing someone into your intimate life sounds exciting, and may make for some great bedroom talk, it is important to keep in mind that often reality is much different than fantasy.

Are you really emotionally prepared to see your wife with another partner? Are you prepared to see some of the things another man might want to do with your wife?

Couples need to have an emotional disconnect if they want to pursue the idea of "recreational sex."

The concept of "swinging" can't be looked at as a world of men "talking the wife into it." In fact, most "lifestyle" couples will tell you that it is a situation where the woman is very much in charge and the men must respect and honour their wishes.

If there's any need to talk someone into pursuing the fantasy, then it may not be the most appropriate time to make the leap to reality. It may be worthwhile exploring the idea a little bit further through conversation and trying to understand what your wife is more interested in - be it new partners, or simply a little more creativity in the bedroom.

- Cameron Wood, Paris, Ont.

HINT AND CHECK THE REACTION

While the thrill of spicing up a marriage with a new sexual adventure can be worthwhile, in my opinion you need to address the root causes of boredom or routine. It's very common in a long-term relationship. But is the rest of the marriage solid?

As far as bringing your wife onboard, try a subtle approach, perhaps some adult videos involving a threesome, and watch her reaction. Gently probe the scenario and at the right time ask whether she would find this interesting. If the answer is a firm no, then leave it and think of other ideas for turning up the heat.

You might, however, be surprised. If there is a suggestion of interest, then, and only then, could you talk about it further.

- Geoff Parkyn, Winnipeg

THE FINAL WORD

Dear Average Joe,

Do you know how many other men are sitting on their lawn chairs right now, watching the beef smoke rise from their barbecues, and seeing in it a trim and tanned version of themselves flexing like a panther between two grateful women? One is his beloved and acquiescent wife; the other is curved like a corvette, and purring like one too, with her every lick and pinch deepening the marriage bond? Now, that is average.

Joe, you cannot talk your wife into your fantasy. It would be like skinny dipping while wearing pantyhose. Uncomfortable, at best.

I second Reality Wood. Like any adventure that involves risk, the enactment of fantasy must be carefully scripted beforehand so that you are free to fall into its sultry clutches when the time comes. Otherwise, you will be in the worst of situations: something that was supposed to be sexy is not. Save yourself. And save your marriage.

While Golf Game Tytler makes a worthwhile point about Everest, her instruction manual for midlife reads like the death of the imagination. Morality is something that you and your wife construct in the vivid space between you.

Suggest-a-Scenario Parkyn encourages further investigation. Yes, dust off the surfaces. Indulge in celluloid. Read Henry Miller. Drive to Montreal. Rent a hotel room. On the way, ask your wife to name her fantasies. In her musings, you may just discover that while you were tending to the beef there were things you had not even thought of yet.

Claudia Dey's plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel will be published by Coach House Books next year.

*****

Next week's question

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years. But for me, the relationship flatlined almost two months ago. I started making plans to try to end it smoothly, but I think I waited too long. Last week, while I was steeling myself for The Talk, my girlfriend got news that her father had been rushed to the hospital with a heart

attack. He made it through the ordeal, but will probably be held for weeks to come.

I'm supporting her through

this tough time, but it hasn't changed the way I feel about us. Our relationship's over and now I'm stuck waiting for an appropriate time to make an exit. How long do I have to wait to break the bad news? I need to move

on and now, with this family emergency, I feel trapped in lover's limbo.

Let's hear from you

Do you have an answer to this question, or a dilemma of your own that you'd like readers to help solve? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com, and be sure to include your hometown and a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.

grouptherapy@globeandmail.com