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"Teenagers lie. That's what they do."

In his debut column, Teens lie — deal with it in Tuesday's Globe Life section, Anthony E. Wolf offered this rather stark assesment of an area that many parents consider of vital importance. Honesty.

It may be the best policy, but is it realistic to expect your children to always tell you the truth? No, it isn't.

But Mr. Wolf has some good news: The vast majority of teens grow up to be pretty honest, good, adult citizens. "Just like us," he writes.

Lying to parents during one's teenage years, he continues, is not a reliable indicator of a child who is going to grow into a dishonest adult.

Mr. Wolf says that parents often get too caught up in the lying game. Honesty, he says is something learned from by example more than anything else. Children don't learn honesty through enraged parents or big punishments. All that teaches them is to try to be better liars.

What do you think? Mr. Wolf agreed to answer reader questions Wednesday. His answers appear below.

Mr. Wolf is a clinical psychologist in Longmeadow, Mass. He is the author of six parenting books including the bestselling Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager. Dr. Wolf is married, the father of two ex-teenagers and hence has had extensive firsthand experience at thinking he knew considerably more about parenting teenagers.

Sasha Nagy, globeandmail.com: Dear Mr. Wolf: Thanks for taking reader questions today. I think that when put very bluntly, that all teens lie many parents may initially dispute this thesis. Looking back on my own teen years, I must admit there were untruths. Does the fact that we may have gotten away with stuff as teens, make it more difficult to trust our kids? Thus perpetuating the cycle? Should we not spend less time looking for the lies, and focus on why our kids are lying in the first place?

Anthony E. Wolf: Hi Sasha: It is a pleasure to answer questions today. Not all teenagers lie. Also, teenagers vary as to how good they are at lying. I think the main point is that in parenting a teenager you do not want to be too naive and assume, "No, my Earnest would never lie." That we may have lied as teenagers surprisingly seems to be forgotten as now in an adult role. Most of us expect our kids not to have many of the faults that we had when we were their age. The fact of parenting a teenager is that you cannot always assume that you know everything that is going on.

Moussa Baccus from Canada writes: I was told by a psychologist that a teenage daughter would lie about her non-custodial parent to keep the custodial parent happy. In other words, she would say what she thinks her mother wants to hear. How much truth is there in that?

Would a teenage daughter be more likely to lie to keep her mother happy than she would to keep her father happy?

Anthony E. Wolf: Absolutely teenagers in divorce situations often will tell a parent what the teenager thinks that the parent wants to hear. This happens more often with the main custodial parent - it has little to do with the sex of the parent. But probably more importantly, it happens where a child feels that they are getting a message of conditional love from a given parent. "I love you, but maybe I will love you less, unless you make me feel that you agree with me that your father is a no good bum." Obviously parents should not do this but many do.

David Glass from Port Elgin, Ont. writes: Is this a cross-cultural phenomenon? Do adolescents outside of North America routinely lie to their parents? Is there evidence that the same dishonesty was there 100 years ago in our part of the world? I didn't lie to my parents as a teen, as I realized trust needed to be earned. When I did something wrong, my first instinct was to tell the truth, not to lie. I accepted the consequences of my actions, as this was something my parents taught us to do. Was this aberrant behaviour? Accepting that adolescents, including my own children, are untruthful for the reasons you have outlined in your excellent article has been difficult, yet necessary. We live in a very egocentric, affluent age, with enormous presssures from television and other media. How much has this influenced this issue of adolescents lying, and, our acceptance that this is normal?

Anthony E. Wolf: I think I do not know enough about many cultures to say that lying spans all cultures. But certainly today more teens around the world are more similar than in the past - which definitely is a result of expnded media access and the Internet. That you a teenager were honest and accepted responsibility for your actions is a tribute to you and to your parents. But at the same time there are many very good, honest teaching parents whose teenage children lie yet grow up to be honest adults. With many teenagers and parents there can be an unbridgeable gap - we want them to be safe, they want to have fun. And their judgment about what is safe and what are the risks that they are willing to take differ dramatically from ours. And, no, I do not think that teenage culture is necessarily any more naughty than in the past, but there is no question that - especially through the Internet - teenagers are more aware than before what everybody else does.

Lorraine Gentleman from Mississauga writes: I feel my teenage son just tells me what I want to hear. He denies any wrongdoing. He has too much free time on his hands so he's accepted a part-time job for the spring and summer. I'd like to spend more time with him to build more trust between us but frankly he prefers to be with friends? He'll come to us in a crisis of course but I feel rather alienated from him and it's not the way I hoped I'd feel with my kids.

Anthony E. Wolf: Some teenagers have very nice loving relationships with their parents during their teenage years. But many do not.

And many teens who during their teen years were not very close, after adolescence do once again become close to their parents. A normal part of adolescent development with most teens is that to some degree they develop an allergy to their parents. I had nice parents but as a teenager my answer for every question was one word "fine." I cannot have been much fun for them. A useful stance for parents of teenagers like yours is to spend time with them anyway. They may not like it. But if you can have a sense of humor about it - "I know you don't like to spend time with me and would rather be with your friends, but I love you so much that I want to spend time with you anyway - even if you're crabby." It sends a nice message to your kid - my parent loves me regardless - and it can cut through some of the hurt that you may feel. The allergy is both temporary and very much not personal.

Nevin Blumer from Vancouver writes: With regards to the lying issue, it may be indeed nature-driven and part of a developmental stage, but I don't think you would prescribe a 'laissez-faire' tolerance for dealing with it either. Surely, learning not to lie is, to some degree, an acquired habit, or what would explain why so many in the adult world continue to lie habitually thoughout their lives?

On another issue, if you'll allow me, it seems that one of the things driving most parents of teens crazy is the issue of a teen's friend selection. First, its hard to judge them accurately and second, we dont know exactly how their freinds affect or influence them. Are teens personalities as molded by their peers as we think. Do our resposnes make much difference? Some parents try to befriend a teen's friends, others make complete enemies out of them. Is there a balance? What degree of involvement should a parent have in the teen's social circle and should we be voicing our approval or disapproval of them?

Anthony E. Wolf: It is good to let your child know how you feel about being honest. The main influence that parents have on their children about honesty is whether they treat their child honestly. But it also is about whether they - the parents - communicate [the point] that honesty is a value that they care about, and that they want their child to have. But the truth is that much of what we preach to our children about values is going to become a part of them or not based on how they come to view us as a good person and a good parent to them.

In regard to friends it probably is a good idea to get to know your children's friends and it does give you a better sense of what is going on in the life of your own teenager. In regard to friends whom you see as a bad influence, by all means let your teen know what you think and why. But do not expect that they will readily agree, nor that they will so quickly drop the friend. Often the greater wisdom is not to focus on the possible bad influence of friends as on your own child's behavior. "I think your friend is seriously into drugs and a bad influence on you. But what I really care about is whether you are into drugs."

Gordon McPherson from Ottawa writes: Mr. Wolf, you are absolutely correct. As parents, because of our positions of responsibility, we tend to choose to want to forget how we lied to our parents so we could do what we wanted with our friends. We know deep down that our kids are running circles around us. We cannot follow them everywhere nor do you want to. It is against the grain and how they have to learn to take care of themselves. I did learn some heavy lessons about 'street-smarts' while I was at it which serves me well to this day. Scheming has always been the modus aperendi of teens. Otherwise we would be thrown into padded cells if it was ever discovered (and sometimes were...) how we actually did carry on. I prefer not to even recall some of the hair-brained things I did and managed to luckily survive ... some will not and some didn't Also, you have to take into account the times you live in, the group of people they hang around with, how their time is taken up or not, where you live, the norms surrounding them, their interests etc. Your child(ren) didn't come with a manual... As parents you have to be there through thick and thin, 'til death do us part

Anthony E. Wolf: I guess my main point would be that given all that you say, in order to be an effective parent of teenager today, parents need to be at least to a certain degree teen smart. That is, know what is going on in the world today and that you cannot believe all teenagers all of the time.

Andre Klemarewski from North Vancouver writes: My daughter (15) has some friends, whom I know are big liars. I guess that she learns how to be dishonest from them. How do you discurage your kids from having bad friends?

Anthony E. Wolf: The truth is that it is very difficult to pick your children's friends. "Why don't you hang out with that nice Stephanie who gets all A's?" "Because she's boring." Mainly, as I mentioned, earlier you want to to let your daughter know that you do not trust her friends and that you may not be so ready to believe evrything that your daughter says to you.

Mike Veracity from GTA Canada writes: I was just wondering if adults tell the truth. What a broad over-generalized question

Anthony E. Wolf: I'm honest - most of the time. Which maybe is why with our teenagers we should not be too surprised or disappointed if they are not completely honest all of the time.

itsmy opinion from Dryden, Ont. writes: My 14-year-old stepson rarely ever tells the truth about anything. Some of his lies have resulted in matters before Family Court. It sometimes takes months before we find out about his lies. When is a person considered to be a 'pathological liar' and what kind of help should he/she get?

Anthony E. Wolf: Where does lying cross over into serious pathology? The best answer is that if as a result there are serious problems in that child's life - which it is if a child more than once ends up in court - it is a problem of serious concern. I believe it is always useful to seek out some kind of counsellor who specializes in teenagers. This does not always help. But it also is surprising how many teenage boys actually enjoy and are open in a relationship with a counsellor, and many counsellors are helpful to parents in giving practical advice for dealing with their difficult teenager.

Sasha Nagy writes: Thanks Mr. Wolf for your time and your answers. Readers can read his parenting column every second week in the pages of Globe Life .