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So your brother got a car when he turned 16 and you didn't. And you spent your teen years fighting with him about it and just about everything else.

According to new research, if your parents had a solid reason for the unequal car rules, such as the proximity of part-time jobs, and had made those reasons clear, they might have spared you a lot of sibling angst.

Most parents treat their children unequally - but don't admit it to themselves, let alone their kids, according to researchers from two U.S. universities who tracked 74 families.

When kids perceive unequal treatment and don't understand it, families run into trouble, says researcher Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois who worked with two other researchers from the University of Missouri.

"Kids aren't in a position to appreciate why parents treat their kids differently," Prof. Kramer says.

"They don't have all the information or they don't have an adult perspective."

But if children recognize the different behaviour as being warranted, there's no negative effect on family relationships. Siblings who have a shared understanding of why parents treat them differently actually get along better, Prof. Kramer says.

But most families struggle with clear communication. In almost two thirds of families surveyed, not everyone understood the family dynamic in the same way.

The study was released last week and published in the journal Social Development.

It was conducted with 74 two-parent, middle-class families with one child between the ages of 11 and 13 and a sibling two to four years older. Each member was interviewed individually about family interactions, then the data were compared.

"Family members are all over the place," Prof. Kramer says. Parents aren't in the habit of explaining preferential or different treatment, she adds.

One reason they may be disinclined to talk to their kids about the issue is the enduring ethos of equality. Parents may feel guilty about not treating kids equally. But Prof. Kramer says equality is a parenting goal best discarded.

A colleague of hers, for instance, grew up in a family with four siblings. Treating everyone the same was a goal, so at holiday time they'd all receive the same sweater, no matter what their age, gender or style.

"It was not acceptable from the parents' view to make things different. But kids expect to be treated differently in different situations."

Even circumstantial differences can take on more significance than parents realize. Kids may not understand that you have more time to talk to one of your children merely because of the hours spent shuttling that child to karate class, for example.

One approach could be: "Say, 'I get more time to talk to Johnny about what's going on with him for school when we're in the car together. I'd really like to find time to talk to you, too.' Kids just need to feel that their individual needs are being understood by parents," Prof. Kramer says.

Toronto teen Harriet Duke says she can't help but notice that her parents treat her very differently than they do her 12-year-old sister Katie.

"It's not that they baby her more, but they do watch over her more than they did when I was 12," the 16-year-old says. "She relies on them more and talks to them more than I have ever done."

But Ms. Duke says that because her parents have talked to her about the situation, she's not jealous that they spend more time together and seem to have a more intimate relationship.

"They say we have different personalities," she says. "I think they think she is more needy. I'm close with my parents, but not in the same way."

Context goes a long way in families such as Ms. Duke's, in which parents may feel one child needs more attention and the other is more outgoing. Without any context, the outgoing child may still think, "Am I chopped liver?" Prof. Kramer says. "Making it more explicit could really head off some difficulties."

While this sounds like common sense, "it's less common than I'd like to think," says University of Toronto psychiatrist and psychologist Rex Kay, who works with teens and young adults.

Asking kids about differential treatment and listening to their answers is a good start, he says. But he is skeptical about the correlation between shared sibling perspectives and having better relationships with each other and parents.

It may have more to do with how well the family functions in general, he says. The quantity of time together is more telling than the quality of family talks they have when they're together, he suggests.

"What is in short supply is parental attention and sibling attention to each other. Any time any resource is in scarce supply, any differences become magnified," he says. "If supply goes up, tension goes down."

Dr. Kay also cautions parents against putting too much pressure on children to like what's going on, and against feeling it is their job to ensure everyone is perpetually happy.

"The goal of parenting is to do what's best for each child," he says. "It's not necessarily that all children be happy at all times. You have to be prepared to live with it."

Prof. Kramer says that whatever the approach, the effects of family dynamics on the sibling relationship in particular can be profound and are worth continuing to explore.

The balancing act

You can treat your kids differently without treating them unfairly:

EXPLAIN YOURSELF

If you treat one child differently from another, be sure to tell them why. Explain your decisions in detail. They can easily assume you're playing favourites, University of Illinois professor Laurie Kramer says.

TALK TO EACH CHILD

It's common for parents to forget to talk to the sibling who appears to need less overt parenting. The outgoing, independent child needs to be reminded why you may seem to bestow less time and concern on them compared with their shy or needy sibling.

BE EXPLICIT

Kids report fewer talks about differential treatment than their parents do. They may not recognize the moments when you're trying to make a point, according to the study conducted by Prof. Kramer. So really spell it out.

FORGET EQUALITY

Whether it's holiday gifts or bedtimes, one size doesn't fit all. Prof. Kramer says kids benefit from knowing you're tailoring your parenting to their age, gender, tastes and personality.

EXAMINE YOUR MOTIVES

If a child complains that his or her sibling is receiving preferential treatment, don't immediately deny it. Maybe you are playing favourites, Prof. Kramer says. Forcing yourself to explain your parenting policies may help you tweak them for the better.

MAKE TIME

Above all, make room for more family time, says University of Toronto psychiatrist and psychologist Rex Kay. This means time together as a group and in one-on-one pairings. When a child spends time alone with a parent or sibling, the negative effects of differential treatment can be diminished.

Tralee Pearce