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Group Therapy is a weekly relationship-based advice column that allows readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we'll offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, and then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

The question

I just moved in with my girlfriend, who had been living with her ex in the same apartment for a few years. She was out with the girls one night, and I was on the couch, trying to find a movie to watch. I popped in a few videotapes and found what appears to be a collection of pornos, filmed in our apartment, starring my girlfriend and her ex. I nearly threw up, but then started getting angry. We've never documented our experiences, yet in these videos she's far (very far) from shy. Should I make a big deal out of this, or is this just part of her past that I'll have to live with? I mean, why is she hanging on to these tapes?

- The accidental voyeur

Can you handle the truth?

I think the answer depends on where you "found" these movies. Were they sitting on the shelf beside the VCR, just waiting to be popped in, or were they conveniently located in a box at the back of her closet?

If they were sitting out, readily accessible to anyone who just wanted to catch a random flick, then I think your girlfriend is some sort of nutcase.

Everyone has baggage from past relationships, whether it's an embarrassing tattoo, a collection of partially eaten edible underwear or a series of homemade Paris Hilton-style flicks. However, most rational people don't shove this baggage into the faces of their subsequent partners. They put them away somewhere, maybe finding them during spring cleaning once a decade and laughing to themselves about the ridiculous things they did in their youth.

On the other hand, if you found them somewhere that you had no business being, then you should quietly put them back and resolve never to ask questions you aren't ready to hear the answers to.

- John Morrow, Wakefield, Que.

No ring? No complaints

Be grateful that you have found only one set. If you discover any more, start looking around for the hidden camera. You may be only one in a long list of photogenic roommates.

By moving in with your girlfriend, you implicitly agreed to share her space. That space contains her personal possessions, including the videos. She may simply have forgotten to dump or hide them, or she may be keeping them for reasons of her own.

In any case, you must swallow your anger. Without marriage, you have no right to make a big deal about anything. She is a free agent and need give you no explanations. Until the relationship is legalized, tread softly. You can be asked to leave just as readily as you were invited to move in.

- Carolyn Tytler, St. Catharines, Ont.

Gently broach the subject

I understand and empathize with your situation. But once the videos revealed intimate encounters between your girlfriend and her ex, you should have immediately stopped the tape. Obviously, it wasn't meant for you to view.

Since it has come to your attention, you should broach the topic very gently with your girlfriend. I say, "broach the topic very gently" because she may very well feel as though her privacy was invaded.

You do not have any right to be angry with her. This is an experience she shared with another individual prior to meeting you. She hasn't committed any offence toward you since being in your relationship. She didn't do this to hurt you or to upset you and, most importantly, she did not cheat on you. Her past is her past, as your past belongs to you.

- Dawn Comeau, Toronto

The FINAL WORD Dear Accidental Voyeur,

Do you hear a theremin? Does the bed shake while unoccupied? Does your lover levitate before you in her lace nightgown? I thought so. Accidental Voyeur, you have unpacked your hockey cards in a house that is haunted. The Ex marks the spot. You saw his moves. You saw his member. So, how to banish him? Only your paramour can do that.

Gentle Dawn reminds you that the curtain has long been closed on your starlet's performances. My question is: Why were her greatest hits so readily available to you? Pandora must have wanted you to stumble upon this bit of naughtiness. Unlike Edible Panties John, it is clear to me that you were not under the porch slicing through duct-taped boxes. You were just another man in track pants looking for a movie to watch.

I disagree with Legalize-It Carolyn. When it comes to the minefield that is love, never "tread softly" and never "swallow your anger." If you do, you will sprout ulcers and find yourself fingering amulets while quoting daytime television.

Instead, invite your leading lady to exorcise the past. Collect wood. Build a bonfire in your backyard. Feed it the love letters, tarnished rings, peacock feathers and, yes, the miles of celluloid she has accumulated. Watch the flames rise. Pretend they are a constellation. Call it the Ex. Thank it for showing you that your lover is "very far from shy."

As it dies down, lead her back into your domicile. And when she asks why you are smiling like a man possessed, simply say, "Action."

Claudia Dey is the author of the plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley. Her first novel is forthcoming from Coach House Books in the spring of 2008.

grouptherapy@globeandmail.com

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Next week's question

I have a creep for a stepbrother. He is always full of sly comments and hugs that last too long. At my niece's wedding, he took his perversions too far. He asked my teenage daughter to slow dance with him. She did, and afterward she was in tears claiming that he touched her inappropriately. I feel like shooting an arrow through his throat, but for complicated reasons I can't do that. You see, repellent as he may be, my stepbrother is also very wealthy and has been paying for my daughter's private school education for years. What can I do without jeopardizing her tuition?