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Fifty years ago: "Lucinda, would you please wipe off the kitchen table for me?"

"Sure, Mom."

Now: "Lucinda, would you please wipe off the kitchen table for me?"

"Excuse me? I'm not your slave. What about Jared? Why do you always ask me and not him to do stuff in the kitchen? It's because I'm a girl, isn't it? It's not fair."

What's the world coming to? There is no question that teenagers today talk back more to their parents in a way that was unthinkable just a couple of generations ago. You've heard the refrain: "Kids today show no respect for their parents at all. You know why? It's because of their parents. They don't teach respect."

The old way certainly was easier.

Yet, contrary to popular belief, the main reason that children today talk back to their parents is not because of something that parents are doing wrong - but because of something that they are doing right.

Over the past couple of generations, there has been a revolution in parenting practices - harsh forms of punishment are no longer considered acceptable. Hard smacks on the face. Bringing out the switch or the belt. Much that was a part of normal child raising then would now be categorized as child abuse. The elimination of the more severe weapons from the parenting arsenal was a good thing.

Harsh punishment makes a child more, not less, likely to be insensitive to the suffering of others. Instead, kids now understand that causing significant suffering to another, especially those who are smaller and weaker, is bad.

But as a result, kids are also no longer afraid of their parents. Without the fear of harsh and swift retribution, they believe that talking back to them is not a big deal.

That being said, the presence of backtalk at home isn't as dire as it may seem. First of all, here's something known to all parents: Although their child may display bratty behaviour at home and with them, there is usually a better side of their teen that others get to see.

"What a polite girl your Lucinda is."

"Which Lucinda are you talking about?"

Furthermore - and this may seem inconceivable to many parents of teens - their bratty teen, as if by a miracle, will probably grow up to be a perfectly good citizen who is even quite respectful and pleasant.

So maybe backtalk is not so bad - merely unpleasant.

Fortunately, there is a way for parents to significantly reduce backtalk: Just don't pick up on it at the time.

"Lucinda, would you please wipe off the kitchen table for me?"

"Excuse me? I'm not your slave. What about Jared?"

"Lucinda, would you please wipe off the kitchen table for me?"

If they get too obnoxious, simply separate yourself..

"Hey, you're not listening to me. You have to listen to me."

"Not when you're talking like that I don't."

In other words, sure, they can talk back. But if they want a response from you, they will have to try talking in a more respectful manner. It is a simple tactic, but it works.

The truth is, to the extent that you pick up on the backtalk at the time, you actually feed it. Children who are not afraid of their parents will always have more to say when they are not getting their way.

For them, the advantage of backtalk is that if you do respond, they can pull you into an endless back-and-forth, freeing them from having to deal with whatever is the real issue at hand: in this case, what Lucinda knows is a perfectly reasonable request.

The beauty of your non-response is that you give them no more of your words to bounce off of, and they wind down.

"Oh, all right. But Jared is a big baby."

"Thank you, Lucinda."

It is not always possible to ignore what they say. Sometimes they will be so persistent and nasty that they do pull you in. But the more that you learn to disengage rather than lecture, the technique reinforces itself - because it works so much better than anything else.

Look at it this way: Your teen talking back to you is not necessarily a sign of total disaster. Often, it just means that they feel safe with you.

Which isn't so bad at all.

Anthony E. Wolf is a clinical psychologist and the author of six parenting books, including Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager.

awolf@globeandmail.com