News

Here's a common parental lament: "I say something to her, and somehow it becomes this big argument where suddenly I'm on the defensive and it's a big mess."

Adolescents are pretty skilled at derailing unpleasant communications from their parents. They're especially motivated when that communication falls into one of three categories: when they are told no; when they are being criticized; and when they are asked to do something that they don't feel like doing.

And the most effective way they sidetrack you is through certain responses - call them their greatest hits - that they hope will undo your words. They're hoping you'll say, "Oh. I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. It was inconsiderate of me to ask you to clean up the TV room. I'll do it myself."

Of course, the above rarely happens. Instead, the responses usually just get the parent off course, and on to a less stressful (for the teenager, anyway), irrelevant side issue. And often it can descend into endless bickering that's more stressful for you.

How do you deal with your teen's greatest hits?

Here is a sampling of three tried and true teen favourites that have worked for years - and the best ways to respond to them.

I hate you"No, Jonathan, I'm sorry. It's too late, you cannot go over to Mitch's house."

"I hate you. You don't let me do anything. I wish I had any parent but you."

This is a particularly effective teen response because nobody wants to be hated by their own child.

As a parent, a bad follow-up to this would be, "How can you say that to me? I've only tried to do what's best for you."

The problem with this response is that it begs another reply from the teen, which definitely will be: "No, you don't. All you care about is yourself. You don't care what I want at all. Maybe I should run away."

Try this instead: "I'm sorry you're mad at me. But you may not go over to Mitch's house."

The value of this response is that it recognizes what Jonathan has said without reacting to it.

And it stays on the real subject at hand - namely that he may not go over to Mitch's house.

You just want somebody who's perfect

"Cherie, I did not like how you acted when your aunt and uncle were visiting yesterday. You were rude, and it was embarrassing to us."

"You just want somebody who's perfect."

You don't want to touch this. Definitely avoid saying: "That's not true, Cherie. We just want you to act more politely when we have company over."

Which, of course, will get this response: "Yes, it is true. The way I act is never good enough for you. I'm sorry I'm not like my cousin, Little Miss Perfect. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointing child."

Far better is simply repeating: "The way you acted when your aunt and uncle were over was unacceptable." End of discussion.

I don't feel well

"Angie, I asked you to clean up the TV room, and if you did anything, it's certainly impossible to tell."

"I don't feel well."

To which you do not want to respond, "How come I'm just hearing about this when I ask you to do something?"

"But I don't feel well. I'm not lying."

You don't want to get into a discussion with your teenager about whether they are sick.

"But I am. I'm really sick. Maybe I have tuberculosis."

This is a better response: "I'm sorry you don't feel well, but I still need you to clean up the TV room."

"You'll be sorry. You'll see. I'm going to throw up over everything."

And, not without continued grumbling, Angie goes off to clean up the TV room.

The rules are simple:

1. In your initial response, you want to talk to your teen in a respectful manner and recognize that they are not happy with what you just said.

You do this no matter how nonsensical or manipulative what they just said may be.

2. You want to stay on the subject - your subject.

3. If they persist, you want to disengage. Problems come not so much because teenagers are persistent, but because parents don't disengage when they need to.

4. If you are truly concerned by what they say, ask them about it later, but not at the time.

Asking them during a confrontation only leads to trouble.

Anthony E. Wolf is a clinical psychologist and the author of six parenting books, including Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager. awolf@globeandmail.com