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Dear suitors of alpha women, I envy you not.

For starters, the zeitgeist is against you. Consider Know Your Pig, a book about women's relationships with men, written, no less, by guys: Michael Coogan and William Burton. It's meant to be playful, and it is. It plays on the now conventional wisdom that men are emotional dimwits.

But listen, I get it. It's not that you aren't emotionally intelligent. It's that women keep changing the rules of what we want from you.

First, there was the early feminist consciousness to navigate - the discovery that opening the door for her was a criminal offence, for example. Back then, many women wore feminism like the latest hemline. It was a fashionable stance that they could do it all, if they wanted to - and frankly, many didn't.

They were faux alpha.

Now, though, there is living proof of the alpha woman: She actually has done it all. Add divorce to the mix, and she can be frighteningly independent. She has vulnerabilities, but they're not obvious.

She's so sure of herself, she tends to waive spousal support, even if her career during the marriage and child-rearing years wasn't a priority. Why?

"Alimony is like being married," scoffs Jessica Cherniak of Toronto, a 44-year-old divorced mother who during her 17-year marriage stayed at home with her four children and now works as a birthing coach.

You know how there are all those goofy acronyms to express social status? In her book, Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women, Christine Whelan coined SWANS to identify strong women achievers, no spouse.

Well, I figure it's time men made one of their own. How about MANS for men are not stupid? Then you could say you are a MANS man.

Here's your tip sheet: your MANSual, if you like:

The alpha woman wants a man. But you need to know how to court her, live with her and, if it works out and she can get her head around the idea again, marry her.

Don't be intimidated if she says she only has relationships now out of desire, not out of need. I know that many men need to be needed. And you are, in innumerable ways, but she doesn't need you to complete her.

"It's quite liberating," says a Toronto man, 57 and once divorced, who is dating a 53-year-old divorced woman. "I feel that she is attracted to me for who I am rather than for what I can provide materially."

Bingo. So forget about trying to impress the alpha woman with your big dough. I heard of one divorced middle-aged man who auditioned girlfriends by inviting them - not all at once, you understand - on the first or second date to his house in Rosedale, a ritzy Toronto neighbourhood. But the alpha gal reads that as a sure sign of insecurity - that he thinks he is only worth her emotional investment because he is worth it financially.

Actually, she is more interested in your personality.

Next: Be patient. Don't rush into a full-blown live-in relationship. "It has to move at a speed that allows an interdependence to develop, a sense that you are both individual people," explains a wise man, twice divorced, who is now married to a once-divorced woman.

She has a life. Hopefully you do, too. She doesn't want to lose herself again. Aim for what the poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: "All companionship can consist only in the strengthening of two neighbouring solitudes."

Now, if things are humming along nicely and you do want to marry her, don't pop the question too soon. One male friend of mine dated his future wife for seven years before he sensed that "she was ready." Accept that she may never be. As Ms. Cherniak suggests: "Let's just be eternally engaged. Give me the proposal, but let's just leave it at that."

If you are living together, forget joint bank accounts. She may have lost her financial independence once in a previous relationship and is determined not to do so again.

Divvy up the bills and maintain separate chequebooks.

Be cautious about how you offer to help her when she's lighting a fire or performing some other traditionally male task. "I wasn't volunteering my help because I thought she couldn't do it," one chastened man explains. "But by doing so, it could be read as a statement of me thinking she was incompetent."

Right. There are ways to ask, though. Not: "Here, let me. That's a man's job." Say: "I would be pleased to help you with that. Would you like me to?" Or, playfully: "Let me light your fire, baby, and the one in the hearth."

If she has children from her previous marriage, don't assume you will be their parent. One of the lovely things about being divorced is that the mother can be the parent she wants to be. There's no one telling her that she isn't doing it right. That includes you.

Now for a crucial truth: The alpha woman may be in charge of all aspects of her busy life. But when she is with a man, she wants to feel like a woman.

Which means: She actually does want you to take charge sometimes. "It's not about being controlling," warns Elliott Katz, author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants and clearly a MANS man. "It's about showing leadership."

Look, I know it's confusing, but I never said she is simple to operate. The alpha woman is more Cessna twin-engine than lawn mower.

Try this. Next time you have a date with your alpha mate, don't defer to her and ask which restaurant she prefers. Say you have a place in mind that you're sure she will like. You will collect her at 7 p.m. (She will feel giddily collectible.) Tell her: Dress casual but not jeans. See what happens.

Oh, and one more ting: Alpha women do like it when you open the door for them.

shampson@globeandmail.com