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The question

Our cleaning lady, Nina, was in another client's house last week and found the husband - who, as it happens, is a prominent divorce lawyer - buttoning up his shirt. Moments later a woman came out of the master bathroom, fully dressed, and they both left. Then, while cleaning up, she found a pair of undies between the sheets.

Now our cleaning lady has asked us for advice on whether she should let the man's wife (who is the one who signs her cheques) know what she saw.

I think she should rat him out - if it was me, I'd want to know - but my wife thinks she should keep mum. Now, believe it or not, my wife and I are actually fighting over someone else's domestic crap! What's the best course of action here?

The answer

At first I was just going to say everyone involved should keep their mouths shut and mind their own respective businesses. Easy answer.

But something was gnawing at the edge of my consciousness. I was overlooking something, and it bothered me. I paced around, scratched my noodle, but couldn't put my finger on what it was.

Then, one night, having a bourbon with my wife Pam in front of the fire, it came to me.

"The panties," I said aloud.

"I beg your pardon?" Pam said.

My eyes bored into hers. "What did the cleaning lady do with the panties?"

"Is this something to do with your column?"

Everything hinges on the panties. When I realized this, I felt like a modern-day Sherlock Holmes of advice, having just cracked a particularly tricky case.

"How the deuce did you solve this one, Holmes?"

"The panties, Watson. Follow the logic of the panties."

If they turn up, the cleaning lady will have to say something.

Of course, it's possible the cleaning lady, fearful for her employer's reputation, put the panties in her pocket and brought them home.

But that seems unnecessarily collusive with the adulterous husband, and also an overt act of betrayal of the wife, who, as you say, signs her cheques.

Why bite the hand that feeds you?

No, it's more likely the cleaning lady did her job: Having spotted a pair of underwear in need of cleaning, she put them into the wash. And if she did, they will inevitably materialize in milady's unmentionables drawer.

And, just as inevitably, milady will hold them up with a puzzled frown and say, "Nina, do you know anything about these? Where did they come from?"

(Since this was a crucial detail, I e-mailed our questioner to follow up: He said indeed the panties in question were in the basement laundry hamper - and moreover they were thong-type panties the wife would never wear. As of press time, they remain there, a ticking time bomb of information, set to detonate.

Actually, as you read these lines, the wife may be holding the panties in the air, her expression changing from surprise to mortification as the wheels in her brain start to turn.)

At this point, Nina should tell her she found them in the bed, but thought they were the wife's. No need to blurt any unsolicited information, here. There's such a thing as honesty. But there's also such a thing as discretion, and this is a case of divided loyalty, at best. The wife can do her own deducing and take it from there.

But this cleaning lady sounds like a bit chattier a Cathy than that. She may well ignore your advice and wax blurtacious anyway. That's her affair. You should mind your own beeswax.

As Alexander Pope said: "One who is too wise an observer of the business of others, like one who is too curious in observing the labour of bees, will often be stung for his curiosity." If I were you, I would not stick your proboscis into this particular hornet's nest.

And for God's sake, stop squabbling about this between yourselves. The older I get, the more I think the most important rule in life, parenting, relationships, career success and even, I would say, international relations, is this: Choose your battles. Why choose this one? Don't you have enough of your own stuff to fight over? If not, congratulations, your relationship brings a dewy tear to my eye. But if you're anything like the rest of us, you'll have something to scrap over soon enough and you'll regret the energy, resources and brownie points squandered on someone else's problems.

Oh, and one last thing: You need a new cleaning lady. Sorry to seem harsh, but have you asked yourself why you're even aware of such an intimate detail about people you hardly know?

If this cleaning lady is Hoovering up other people's secrets and airing their dirty laundry all over town, possibly causing big, messy dust-ups in their relationships, how long before she does it to you?

I've made a huge mistake

Have you created any damage that needs controlling? Send your dilemmas to damage@globeandmail.com, and include your hometown and a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.

damage@globeandmail.com

David Eddie is an author and screenwriter. He has published two books, Chump Change and Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad.