THE QUESTION
My husband and I are agnostics, or at least we're non-practising. Recently our 10-year-old daughter has become a devout Christian. She reads the Bible and prays, and now she's been agitating for us to take her to church on Sundays. And the other day she calmly informed us that we were probably going to hell.
I got really upset at that and gave her a timeout, which I now regret. I mean, I shouldn't be punishing her for what she believes or telling her how to think. But I'm worried she's going to become intolerant of others' views. It just feels weird to have someone with such a different belief system in the midst of our family - one who also believes we're going to hell. And, to be honest, going to church is about the last thing I feel like doing on Sunday mornings. Any advice?
THE ANSWER
You're at the nexus of two ticklish topics - religion and parenting - so I'll try to tread carefully.
First let me say you've come to the right advice columnist. I too have a highly religious child in the midst of our mostly secular family.
To clarify: I believe in God, but don't go to church. My wife is an agnostic and believes it's "lights out" when we die. (And I've noticed, over the years, a curious phenomenon: She almost always turns out to be right about everything. I just pray she's wrong on this one.)
Last year, my 11-year-old son Nick went with his best friend, who's part of a devout Christian family, to Bible camp and came back indoctrinated to the eye teeth. Now he wears a cross, reads the Bible and prays every night. (I suppose he thinks his mother and I are both going to hell, but I've never asked him.)
Personally, I'm glad he's a spiritual kid and that he's found something to believe in. But I agree with you that intolerance and extremism are the things to be worried about and should be dealt with early.
This past summer we went to Prince Edward Island, and Nick, who loves animals, was horrified by all the lobster oils and clambakes. (Hey, I love animals too, especially seafood. I am, along with barbecue guru Ted Reader, a member of PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.) One morning he was glaring at me, so I asked him if there was a problem.
"I prayed to the Lord last night that something bad would happen to you and Uncle John because of the way you torture lobsters and clams," he said - then burst into tears.
"Hey, hey, hey, kid!" I said. "That's not Christianity! That's not the Christian spirit!"
So we had a serious chat about respecting other people's beliefs, not judging people, not wishing ill on family members, especially in the name of religion, and so on. I'm happy to say that that's all it took, for now: a serious chat. Because when all is said and done he's a reasonable kid.
And that's job one, isn't it - the raising of reasonable children? Children are naturally extremists: You have to teach them to be reasonable.
Internationally renowned parenting expert Barbara Coloroso agrees. She believes nipping things like intolerance and extremism in the bud can have huge consequences. In her book Extraordinary Evil, she basically blames the various holocausts of the 20th century on bad parenting.
I told her about your case and she said you should sit your child down and ask her to ask herself if she is using religion as a "vessel or a weapon. ...
"Ask her if she's using religion to honour the intrinsic spirituality of human beings," she said, "or to create intolerance towards differences."
