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Now that inmate 9818783 is settling into house arrest, Lilo's confined to rehab and Nicole Richie admitted on Letterman this week that she too will likely be going to jail, the time has come for a serious discussion of crime and punishment in the celebrity justice system.

The media – and when I say “media” I mean those unreliable, paranoid, conspiracy-spewing organs The New York Times and CBS News – would have us believe these flagrant fashion criminals are being incarcerated merely for their drinking and driving-related offences. Surely, as a society of critical-thinking Canadians, we are not so easily taken in.

What is clear to most serious journalists with expertise in these matters – and by “serious journalists” I mean hard-nosed celebrity watchdogs such as Lainey Gossip, Shinan Govani and the girls behind GoFugYourself.com – is that Paris, Nicole and Lindsay's collective debt to society is more sartorial than sobrietal (you know what I mean). It's like back in the 1930s when they put Al Capone away for tax evasion instead of being a mass murderer. Or when they gave the Oscar to Al Pacino for Scent of a Woman when he should have won it for The Godfather.

No one actually cares that these girls occasionally like to get blitzed and careen around in their convertibles (except maybe L.A. motorists and the Mothers Against Drunk Driving people), so why are we refusing to recognize the truth? Paris went down for being the top boss in a highly dangerous fashion crime syndicate. Consider her the Tony Soprano of lingerie-inspired micro-frocks. Lohan and Richie, her heinously frocked henchwomen, have since followed suit.

I wish I could say the world is safe now that this ugly little cosa nostra's been cracked. But the dirty deeds of “the family” continue to unfold on the back pages of US Weekly as they stagger free in eight-inch, ribbon-laced stilettos.

Worse yet, their crimes have inspired copycat offenders: Normal young women now brazenly leave the house in formal shorts, open-toed boots and PVC tube tops, believing such acts to be “stylish.” Will justice ever be served?

In the interest of public sartorial safety, we present the Most Wanted Fashion Criminals and their crimes. Parental discretion is advised.

Nicole Richie

Description: While nowhere near as dangerous as her fame-whore frenemy, Richie is nonetheless guilty of unrepentant self-starvation and the use of face-eating sunglasses.

Sentence: Two months community service folding sweaters at the Gap. And a meatball sub.

Sienna Miller

Description: This boho bit of North London totty is guilty until proved innocent of gross misuse of black leggings (particularly in summer).

Sentence: Three years as Joan Collins's personal shopper.

Lindsay Lohan

Description: One might argue this young offender's inexcusable predilection for slouchy boots and grimy hoodies is the least of her problems — and maybe that's true. But addiction issues are no excuse for dressing badly (exhibit A: Kate Moss).

Sentence: A life of sobriety and seclusion.

Jessica Simpson

Description: Bad as we feel about her never-ending breakup with John Mayer, we can't let her off for popularizing Ugg boots in North America. That's a fashion crime against humanity.

Sentence: Permanent exile in Australia to live – and waddle – among the wombats.

Keira Knightley

Description: Should this young British lassie be acquitted for her repeated acts of depraved self-asphyxiation with a belt?

Not by the hair on her chinny-chin-chin.

Sentence: The strap – personally administered by Dame Judi Dench.

Paula Abdul

Description: Even nice girls sometimes forget they're not 25 any more. Unfortunately, that's no excuse for the televised sexual harassment of underage garments.

Sentence: A lifetime restraining order against fringed halter dresses.

Scarlett Johansson

Description: This talented young starlet should be locked up for gross acts of breast misconduct. There's flaunting what you've got and then there's hoisting your melons onto a platter and passing them around the party.

Sentence: Six months of full support and mandatory turtleneck training.

Rachel Zoe

Description: This stylist-to-the-stars and new creative director for Halston (thanks to owner Harvey Weinstein) generally looks okay herself, but is guilty of aiding and abetting almost all of the above.

Sentence: Dating her new boss.