News

Food and sleep. No two issues command more time, worry and effort for new parents.

Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley tackled the latter in an online discussion Monday.

How do you get your child to fall asleep and stay asleep? Is it okay to share a bed with your kids? Should children sleep with their siblings? How do you move them out? And how do you manage the inevitable crying, whining and tantrums?

Ms. Pantley is president of Better Beginnings, Inc., a family resource and education company. She frequently speaks to parents at schools, hospitals, and parent groups around the world.

Ms. Pantley is a regular radio show guest and frequently quoted as a parenting expert in newspapers and magazines such as Parents, Parenting, American Baby, Woman's Day, Good Housekeeping, and Redbook, and on hundreds of parent-directed websites. She publishes a newsletter, Parent Tips, which is distributed in schools nationwide.

Ms. Pantley is the author of these bestselling parenting books, which are available in 18 languages:

• The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior without Whining, Tantrums and Tears

• The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night

• The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child's Sleep

• The No-Cry Potty Training Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Child Say Good-Bye to Diapers

• Gentle Baby Care: No-Cry, No-Fuss, No-Worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby

• Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children

• Perfect Parenting: The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips

• Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading & Get Kids to Cooperate

Ms. Pantley and her husband, Robert have four children, Angela, Vanessa, David, and Coleton. Ms. Pantley is an involved participant in her children's school and sports activities and has served in positions as varied as softball coach and school PTA president.

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Rebecca Dube, The Globe and Mail: Hello Ms. Pantley, and thanks for joining us today. Many sleep-deprived parents (and some of my bleary-eyed colleagues) are eagerly awaiting your answers, so I'll get straight to the questions.

Joanne Mandry from Montreal Canada writes: Our son has always been a poor sleeper, and we have been reluctant to have him 'cry-it-out' but he is now 8 months old and waking every 45 minutes-1 hour. We feel like we are going crazy from lack of sleep, and it is affecting our ability to parent during the day and straining our relationship. We feel like we have tried everything: rocking, shushing, rubbing the back, lullabies. Is there anything that you can suggest that might work?

Elizabeth Pantley: Hi Joanne ~

It must be incredibly hard — functioning for 8 months on such disrupted sleep! This is very normal, yet one of the most difficult situations parents face. Since your son is waking every 45 minutes to an hour it is clear that he has a strong parent-led sleep association. If he has always had you to rock, shush and rub, then he believe he NEEDS these things to sleep! All human beings wake up throughout the night during sleep cycle transitions, and your little guy needs you each and every time. The key for you will be to help him learn how to put himself back to sleep each time. Start by reducing the amount of "help" you give — rock with less motion, rub more gently, turn down the volume on the lullabies. Try to stop your assistance when he is settled and sleepy — but not fully asleep (resume patting if he starts to cry, then try again; and again.) Over a week or so continue to wean your son from the sleep aids. Try keeping him in his bed and shushing and patting him without picking him up, then transition to laying a motionless hand on him. This step-by-step process will soon have him sleeping all night on his own. Sweet dreams!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

D B from Canada writes: Hi Elizabeth. My 2 year old used to go down without any effort. Now she wants the covers adjusted 3 or 4 times; I actually have to leave the room and return each time - and when she wakes at the same time in the wee hours (4:00 a.m) we go thru the same thing. Additionally, she will be introduced to a new brother or sister soon and I'm curious about your thoughts re: having the toddler and the infant share a room , or the process for moving the toddler into her new room. Thanks.

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi DB ~

Congratulations! A new baby in the family is an exciting time — and a time of big adjustments. Your daughter wanting you to adjust her covers so often may be her way of dealing with the idea that she will soon with sharing you with a new baby — which is a very vague, unknown situation for a toddler. This cover-tucking routine has become a "security blanket" (aptly named in this case!) I suggest you create a new routine — perhaps providing a stuffed animal or two for her to sleep with along with its own little blanket that SHE can tuck about it. In regards to room sharing — most of the world doesn't have the luxury of one room per child, and room sharing is the norm. I personally like putting the infant's crib in with the toddler from day one. This allows them to learn each other's sleep noises, and can also be a great way to help them bond their relationship. Best of luck!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Jose Estevez writes: My wife and I are concerned that our daughter isn't getting enough sleep. She is almost 12 months and although her routine has changed (my wife is back at work and baby goes to daycare each morning) her sleep pattern has stayed the same at night with her getting about 10-11 hours and she takes two very short naps (<1h) during the day. Should we be concerned?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Jose ~

A very astute question! You are very right to be concerned about sleep hours — studies tell us that even a ONE-HOUR shortage in appropriate sleep time can compromise a child's health, mood and growth. At age one, your daughter should be getting about 11-12 hours of sleep at night plus 2-3 hours of naptime for a total of 13-14 hours. More sleep is better; less sleep is troublesome. A good way to regulate sleep is to pick a specific bedtime (lights out time) and a specific nap time and then stick to these 7 days a week. This will regulate your daughter's biological clock and put her on a schedule that will improve her sleep, her mood and even her health. Good luck!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Bill Cole from Germany writes: Hi Elizabeth. Our little guy, almost two years old, has never been a good sleeper, and for some reason only accepts his mom through the night. He gets a bottle before bed at 8 pm, and in the morning at 6 am when he wakes up (like clockwork) for good. We currently can count on him waking up crying around 1 am, and it normally takes between 15-90 minutes to get him quieted down and back to sleep.... as only mom can comfort him and get him back sleeping, this means that her sleep is seriously being disrupted. When I go in, he just gets more and more upset. He loves his bed, and his bedroom, and doesn't sleep at all when we tried to bring him into bed with us. What gets us the most is that when mom is away for a couple nights with business, he doesn't act up, and accepts me through the night, no problems. We would really appreciate any tips that would help me take turns through normal nights, and let poor mom have a good nights sleep! Thanks in advance for your help!!

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Bill ~
Rest assured that your little guy is perfectly normal. Young ones are biologically wired to prefer mom (the food provider). What's more telling is that when mom is away he accepts you so easily! (Hmmm, smart child!) To answer your first question — if you want to split the night duty then I suggest you go in first — for just a minute or two, then mom takes over. Increase the amount of time lag until Mommy shows up, and eventually your son will be cool with Daddy handling night duty. However, at two, your son can learn how to put himself back to sleep when he wakes up — then neither of you will have to do night duty! Check back to my answer to Joanne for tips on this process.

Best of luck!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Phil Payon from Canada writes: My 11-year-old son, who has always had some difficulties falling asleep, seems to having a much harder time falling to sleep lately. He used to have difficulty getting to sleep once every 1-2 weeks. He now seems to be having trouble 2-3 times a week. Once asleep he sleeps very soundly. We always ask him if anything is on his mind or bothering him and he insists that nothing is wrong. He can lay in bed for 2-3 hours and not get to sleep. Any suggestions on how we can help him to fall asleep? Is there a point when you would want to consult a family doctor?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Phil,
It's great that you are paying close attention and looking for solutions. At this age it's normal for children to drift towards a later bedtime. There are thing you can do to offset this. Here are a few: keep the same bedtime every night (late weekends create "jet lag"); turn off the TV the hour before bed (it can be stimulating and prevent sleep); cut out soda pop (with and without caffeine) from after lunch, as this can stay in your system 6-14 hours; have a homework schedule (some kids lay awake worrying about work to be done); serve a sleep-inducing pre-bed snack of high-tryptophan foods (a sleep-inducing chemical) such as turkey, tuna, almonds, peanut butter on toast, or bananas; encourage at least an hour of vigorous physical activity early in the day (not right before bed); have your son read in bed before lights out. And one last idea — teach your son a relaxation exercise — get comfortable and then start at the toes and tell each body part to "relax" and go to sleep. Hope this helps.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Alicia Schlag from Vancouver Canada writes: Hi Elizabeth, I really enjoyed your book. You make a distinction early on between wanting and needing your baby to sleep through the night. I've made my peace with going to my five-month-old once or twice a night, but I've read in other books that if a baby isn't sleeping through the night from early on, it can lead to life-long damage (poor sleep habits, learning disabilities?) -- what's your opinion on that? I want to give her what she needs but don't feel a need to enforce a particular sleep training method just now. Thanks for your thoughts!

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Alicia,
Thank you for your kind words — I'm glad you enjoyed my book. To answer your question — Wow! — if night-waking led to life-long damage then 70% of people would be suffering — since 70% of children under age 5 have sleep problems. So, this one is obviously a myth! My rule is this: if baby is sleeping well, and parents are sleeping well, and everyone in the house is happy with the situation then don't change a thing. Enjoy your baby.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

S Arnold from United States writes: Hi Elizabeth -- Thanks for all your great advice. I have a 7-month-old whom I am trying to get on a regular nap schedule. We have been co-sleeping but have just introduced a crib for naps, and the first part of night-time sleep. However -- it seems like he almost fears the crib. I can only get him to sleep in it if he is already very drowsy or asleep. Will time take care of this problem? Will he get more used to it -- as long as he continues to sleep in it? He was fine napping in the pack and play before we introduced the crib... Thanks!

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi S.A.
Good for you for working on setting up a regular nap schedule — this will help keep your son in a good sleep routine. Since the crib is new to your little guy it may take a bit of adjustment. You want the crib to be a happy, welcoming place. I'd suggest having two or three "gentle play sessions" in his crib during the day. Sing songs and play with quiet toys. You can also play a certain lullaby tape during this time, and then play the music at bedtime as well. Also, keep a certain small, safe stuffed animal in the crib at all times to become his "company." All of this will get him used to the crib so that he'll accept it at bedtime. Also, since he liked his pack & play see if you can use the same or similar bedding and place the crib in the same place where the pack was situated. Keep a gentle, loving bedtime routine and things should be just fine.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Jane Griffith from Toronto, Canada writes: We practice safe co-sleeping with our 5-month-old daughter and absolutely LOVE the experience. She is a happy, healthy and independent child already. Is there a time when we have to start transitioning her to her crib? I have heard some people say by 6 months, but have read others, such as Dr. Sears, who say it happens naturally when everyone is ready. What is your opinion on this?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Jane,
The answer to this question is different for every family. There are no "have-tos" here. It's time to move baby to her own crib when she or you are no longer happy or sleeping well. When the time comes to move her you can do so gradually and gently — and this can happen at six months or six years or any time in between. Enjoy snuggling your baby!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

H P from Toronto Canada writes: I have a daughter with CP history with reflux problem. She's 4 years old now. We have medicines to control reflux, but she usually wakes up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep and then turns and twists, wakes up and cries. She hardly goes back to sleep. We asked our doctor; he said probably the reflux causes pain in her stomach. Up to now, I have only 3 hours of sleep everyday and am working 4 days a week. Apart from medication, is there anyway to help her sleep better? I use meditation music, nature sound (CDs) to calm her down. It helps a little. We have run out of ideas. Please help.

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi HP,
I do have several chapters in my sleep books on reflux, allergies and special needs because these are common and can be frustrating sleep-distrupters! Your child may respond best if you make some adjustments to her diet avoiding the most troublesome foods all day, or at a minimum after lunchtime. Avoid food such as full-fat dairy, citrus fruits, and raw onion (ask your doctor for a full list). Offer frequent, small meals as opposed to fewer, larger meals; and make lunch bigger than dinner. You might elevate the head of your daughter's bed. Place something stable under the legs of the bed or place a block of wood or a few books under the mattress. Make sure PJs are loose-fitting — no tight elastic on the tummy. Keep the room dark and not too warm. Experiment and find out what ideas work for her.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Jen van Kessel from Halifax Canada writes: Our 17 month old is sleeping through the night, FINALLY! When he wakes up, he is usually just in need of a tuck-in and he's back to sleep. However, sleep has been a bit of an issue since he was born. He is a restless sleeper, moving all over the crib at night. Also, he frequently has a hard time getting comfortable and falling asleep at night. He doesn't cry or want to be picked up -- he actually enjoys his crib. But he tosses and turns for quite some time (an hour is not unheard of) to the point that he sometimes passes out from sheer exhaustion vs. falling asleep gently. We have checked his temperature, the moisture level on the room, the clothing he wears, the sheets on the mattress, the amount of 'stuff' in his crib...you name it! On the nights he takes a very long time to get to sleep, he is more likely to wake up and need a tuck-in. Here is the part that I think we will likely get some grief about from other parents... we stay with him until he is asleep. We have been doing that since day one. We used a method of 'sleep training' when he was about 7 or 8 months old that involved soothing him when he cried by picking him up and then immediately putting him back in the crib, staying with him until he was asleep. However, we haven't been able to move away from this model and sometimes we are trapped in the room with him for a long time. Any suggestions about how we can increase his independance in falling asleep?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Jen,
Rest assured — your routine is very normal! According to a huge report done by the National Sleep Foundation 68% of parents stay with a baby until the child is asleep, and almost 50% stay with a toddler or preschooler until he is asleep. As I said — Normal! If you are OK with this routine there is not a single reason you must change it, and if you want to change it you can do so in steps — start by sitting in a chair bedside, then move the chair away from the bed, and over a period of a week or two inch the chair away until you are in the doorway... In regards to your son's active sleeping — all human beings sleep differently and lots of kids are busy sleepers. As long as he seems well-rested during the day, and he isn't snoring loudly, this isn't something to worry about. (If he's not well rested and snores loudly then have his tonsils and adenoids checked by a doctor.)

Another idea is to add white noise to his bedroom — you can buy a small clock-like device that plays soothing sounds like ocean waves or rainfall. Sweet dreams!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

John Heinzl from Toronto writes: My daughter has just turned 2 and used to sleep through the night. Three months ago, she started waking up in the middle of the night and refusing to stay in bed. We solved this by putting her to sleep earlier, but now she is waking up progressively earlier. It used to be between 5 a.m. and 5:30 a.m.; the past few days it has been between 4:10 and 4:40. She is now going to sleep at 6:30 p.m.; when I try to cut back on her sleep by putting her to bed later, she doesn't sleep in later in the morning, she simply starts waking up in the middle of the night repeatedly. Right now I'm limiting her nap to one hour (instead of 1.5-2 hours), but she is still waking before 5 a.m. and this morning woke up at 3 a.m., was put back to bed, and got up for the day at 4:15 a.m. Other than the night-waking, she does not behave as though she is overtired, and does seem to need less sleep than other children her age. My wife was breast-feeding her in the early morning to buy another 45 minutes but stopped that about a week ago. We also do not want her to sleep in our bed. Further complicating matters is that if we simply don't go to her in the morning, she cries and screams and wakes up her older brother. What do you suggest?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi there, First, let's look at your daughter's total hours of sleep —about 12 hours. This is just a bit short of the recommended 13-13.5 hours. I would suggest trying to keep her nap to 1.5 — 2 hours. In regards to the early waking — try these ideas: Cover the windows, keep the room dark. Use a radio set to a classical music or talk show station, or a white-noise machine playing ocean waves or rainfall sounds to mask outside noises that may be waking her. Give her a low-sugar, high-carbohydrate snack before bedtime. Schedule playtime in the afternoon or early evening outside when you can. When you can't get outside keep the play area brightly lit. You may even want to invest in a natural sunlight lamp which emits a yellow sun-like glow. Use brightness in the daytime, and keep the house dimly lit the hour before bedtime. Keep the TV off the hour before bed and avoid vigorous or noisy play that hour. Finally, maintain a consistent bedtime and awaking time seven days a week. Changing the schedule each day will likely prevent you from finding success at getting a reasonable wake up time during the week. Good luck!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Holly Wiersma from Walnut Creek United States writes: Hello Elizabeth, I've long been an admirer of your articles and publication. You share wonderful parenting wisdom. I'm wondering, do you have some specific advice for a mother recovering from a C-section who has a fussy infant?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Holly,
Thank you :o) and congratulations! The key for you is sleep, sleep, sleep! Whenever you can. Reduce the need to keep the house clean and cook fancy meals. Simplify your life, accept any help that is offered, and stay in your pajamas. Give yourself a couple of weeks just to tend to yourself and your new baby. Everything else will wait.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Amanda Cockshutt from Sackville NB Canada writes: I am wondering how much sleep is enough and what to do for the child you think isn't getting enough? I am referring to my 8 year old son who seems overtired often, but has trouble falling asleep and is often wakened by nightmares. (As a reference, my daughters 6 and 12 are good sleepers and get 9-11 hours per night). What do you suggest, putting a child to bed earlier and waiting for them to fall asleep, even though this might take over an hour, or waiting and settling them later? This child is probably only getting 9 hours of sleep a night. Thanks!

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Amanda,
Good questions! Your 8-year-old should be getting about 10-11 hours of sleep, so you're right — a little more would be a good thing. For a fussy sleeper like this I suggest a pleasant pre-bed routine in a dimly lit room. Once your son is settled into bed turn off the lights and play a child's audio book for him to listen to. This is better than book reading for a child like this because the lights can be off and he can drift to sleep. You'll likely have to rewind a bit each night since he'll fall asleep while listening. Pick stories with high-quality narration and without active or scary subjects. Something like Charlotte's Web might be good. Check the library for lots of selections. And one last idea — teach your son a relaxation exercise — get him comfortable and then have him narrate in his head - starting at the toes and tell each body part to "relax" and go to sleep. Hope this helps.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Sue DeThomas from Garden City United States writes: My baby is 4 months old and we have been co-sleeping. He wakes up every 2 - 3 hours to nurse and if I try to rock him back to sleep he screams, so I just nurse him. My pediatrician told me that he can now sleep 7-8 hours a night due to his size and that I should try ferberizing him. I dont want to ferberize him but I want him to be able sleep well. I have started putting him in his crib for naps but he is still in bed with me. Do you have any techniques I can use to help him sleep better?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Hi Sue,
I'm glad you asked me this! I do not believe that a baby should be forced to cry to sleep (likely you'd be crying too!). Since yours is the most common question from new parents I actually have TONS of gentle no-cry ideas! I have limited space here but let's scan through a few: Your baby appears to rely on sucking to fall asleep. So when he wakes up to nurse you can feed him until he has had a "meal" and begins to suck just to pacify — then move him to your shoulder for a pat or rub. Have him finish falling to sleep without something in his mouth then he'll stop looking for this sensation every time he wakes up. Also, after he has fed, you should move a bit away from him (perhaps just keeping an arm near him) since having his warm, soothing milk so close-by can encourage extra waking. Hope these ideas get you started. (See my website for lots more tips: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth )

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Gina Salfi from United States writes: I am having a very difficult time getting my 21month old to get to bed... nothing I do can create a bedtime before 10:00 at night -- she is in daycare during the day and normally naps from 1ish to 4ish - finally last night after trying everything for the past few months we tried to let her cry it out but after 1 and half hours I went and got her from her crib and brought her down to the couch with me where she fell asleep on my chest. Do we let her really cry it out again tonight like I have been told by numerous people including her pediatrician or is there something else I can do?

Elizabeth Pantley: Hi Gina,
You've asked the right person this question! There are many, many ideas to help your daughter learn to fall asleep without having her cry it out. I'd avoid that if you can. First, I'd create a new routine. This should include a full pre-bedtime routine in a very specific order, such as: bath, pjs, massage, lullaby, bed. Keep the room quiet and dimly lit the hour before bed. When you get her ready for sleep she'll be more tired and thus able to drift off to sleep. Use lullabies or white noise recordings as part of your bedtime routine. I'd keep the routine in the bedroom, if you keep going down to the couch it will become an accidental routine. Also, set a bedtime and stick to it 7 days a week — this will fix your daughter's biological clock. Hope this helps!

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Tavia Grant from Toronto writes: How can I get my energetic four-year-old to wind down and fall asleep? We switch off the lights at 8 p.m. -- and an hour or so later, he's still babbling to himself and sneaking out of bed every night. We're all exhausted! Also, what's the optimal amount of sleep kids under 8 should have and what are the consequences if they don't have it?

Elizabeth Pantley: Hi Tavia,
You are very right to be concerned about sleep hours — studies tell us that even a ONE-HOUR shortage in appropriate sleep time can compromise a child's health, mood and growth. At age four, your son should be getting about 11-11.5 hours of sleep at night plus — for some kids - a one hour nap or rest period. More sleep is better; less sleep is troublesome. A good way to regulate sleep is to pick a specific bedtime (lights out time) and then stick to it 7 days a week. This will regulate your son's biological clock and put him on a schedule that will improve his sleep, his mood and even his health. The bedtime routine itself should lead up to sleepytime — keeping the lights dimmed, the activity toned down. Turn off the TV the hour or two before bedtime, and avoid any soda, sugar or other junk food from dinner time to bedtime. Make sure your energetic son gets lots of vigorous playtime during the day — outside when possible, but tone things down before bedtime.

Once your son is settled into bed, read to him for a bit, then turn off the lights and play a child's audio book for him to listen to. This is better than book reading for a child like this because the lights can be off and he can drift to sleep. You'll likely have to rewind the story a bit each night since he'll fall asleep while listening. Pick stories with high-quality narration and without active or scary subjects. Something like Charlotte's Web might be good. Check the library for lots of selections. And one last idea — teach your son a relaxation exercise — get him comfortable and then narrate for him - starting at the toes, and tell each body part to "relax" and go to sleep — I call this the Quiet Bunny — let him pretend to be a bunny settling into his den for the night. Hope this helps.

Hugs,
Elizabeth

Rebecca Dube, The Globe and Mail: Thanks very much to Ms. Pantley, who generously stayed overtime to answer as many questions as possible today. Thanks to everyone who sent in questions, and I'm sorry we couldn't get to them all -- hopefully everyone can find something in the discussion to help your family get a better night's sleep!

Ms. Pantley, any final thoughts for parents hoping that they and their children can catch some more zzzz's?

Elizabeth Pantley:

Up to 70% of children under age five have sleep problems, so you're not alone. The magic solution for most issues is follow these basic Eight Sleep Tips that can help improve nearly every child's sleep:

1. Maintain a consistent bedtime & awaking time seven days a week
2. Encourage regular daily naps or a mid-day rest period
3. Set your child's biological clock with darkness and quiet at night & bright lights and fun activity in the morning
4. Develop a consistent, peaceful bedtime routine
5. Create a cozy sleep environment that encourages your child to welcome sleep
6. Provide the right nutrition to improve sleep (avoiding sugar, soda and junk food before bedtime)
7. Help your child to be healthy and fit with lots of daily exercise, but not right before bedtime
8. Teach your child how to relax and fall asleep by following a soothing pre-bed routine

Wishing you all days of joy and nights of sweet dreams.

Hugs,
Elizabeth