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You are back on the dating scene years, sometimes decades, after you were last here, standing solo at a party or in a bar with a glass of wine in your hand. It's one of life's little surprises, like being fired from a job.

Only now, instead of wondering if the guy across the room is checking you out, you're worried that no one is. Middle age has a way of making women feel invisible. And dating again is not like riding a bicycle.

But fear not. I asked a number of men about what they like about older women, an exercise that produced some tips that will help you navigate life as a recycled singleton in modern times.

So adjust your bifocals and read about The Rules for Women of a Certain Age.

Actually, make that an uncertain age, because the first lesson is that the number is not important and need not be divulged. "You don't look old enough to have children in their early 20s," a man will sometimes say. To which I allow a dignified silence. "You must have been a child bride," he says. To which I make no correction.

What's important is your energy age. "Don't underestimate your confidence," a single, fiftysomething man in Calgary advises. "You are the sum of your experiences, and be proud of them."

Susan Kates, who runs a dating service called DinnerWorks that organizes small gatherings in restaurants in Toronto, Vancouver and Ottawa, tells both women and men not to talk about age. "People get fixated on it," she says. "But age is irrelevant. It's about who you are as a person."

Right, but men are visual. So, tip No. 2: Do not embrace the muumuu. By that I mean the draping caftan look older women begin to adopt when they want to hide their softening bodies. There's a certain sway to life in middle age. Embrace the sway, ladies.

What men love is a "lack of embarrassment for any body you have," a fiftysomething Romeo explains. "If you're wearing a tent, it means you are ashamed." Instead, wear body-conscious clothes. Channel the European woman who is elegant and bien dans sa peau. It's a refined cougarishness, minus the claws.

You have to look after yourself - exercise and eat well - but no one who loves older women expects them to look 20 when the clothes come off. Besides, you can always back out of the room - think Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give.

Instead of T&A - the province of the younger set - think C&L: cleavage and legs. Too much makeup can also betray older women - accenting their age rather than diminishing it.

Cover the grey. Men do not pay attention to whether you dye your hair. "Until my wife told me that everyone colours their hair, I thought there were natural blondes in the world," one man confesses. Let men remain clueless on this one. Grey hair, men suggest, can play havoc with their libido.

There may be porn sites about hot grannies, but that's a fringe kink. One caveat: Completely silver seems okay. Golden-haired. Silver-haired. Maybe it's some strange subliminal thing about being prospectors instead of hunters.

Act your age. Younger women have their youth. You have your humanity. "If you're not most human at 40, 45, 50, you will never be human," observes a male acquaintance in his 50s. "Younger women are sperm foraging. With older women, you hope for a heart. You hope that they have been disillusioned by power, as you have been, if you are self-aware. To meet an older woman with those attributes is like sitting in a broken-in seat in a car. New leather is slippery. But a broken-in seat, well, there's nothing more comfortable and nothing more personal."

Lose the anger and bitterness. You may have had your disappointments and your hardships, but don't wear them, and certainly not in the courtship phase. "Smile, smile, smile," advises Ms. Kates, who often sees women of all ages show up for dinner events with glum expressions and attitudes to match. Be light. Be fun. And, as Mr. Calgary says, "If you don't have a sense of humour, go out and get one."

Ban any toxic spills. Do not complain about the ex. "That's a pain thing happening," Mr. C diagnoses. "You're trying to deal with ending the first relationship, as opposed to really wanting a new one."

Sherrie Schneider, co-author with Ellen Fein of The Rules, the bestseller and dating bible of the 1990s, is quick with advice on the ex. "The most you could say is that it didn't work out," she says. "Dating is not therapy."

Do not slip into spouse mode. It's habit, I know. You have been in a long-term relationship, married or common-law, and you are accustomed to intimacy, to saying what you think and feel to a man. But in the dating wars, you must redraw the boundaries and learn self-containment.

One man, a 53-year-old writer, describes an occasion when he was introduced to an attractive woman his own age after his 19-year relationship had come to an end. "We got to talking about this and that. Work stuff, and I mentioned that my work is not as romantic as people think; that it is stressful. And she then said her work was stressful, too, so stressful that she had IBS. I mean, it's great to be brave and spontaneous and unselfconscious, but did I need to learn within 90 seconds of meeting that she has irritable bowel syndrome?"

And now about your children. Mention you have them. "Hello? I have them, too," a divorced father says. "It's important to have the trust and comfort level with someone to talk about your kids. They are a huge part of life." But avoid slipping into Mom mode, endlessly talking about your worries, challenges and triumphs as a parent.

"It's inappropriate," says Ms. Schneider, who often counsels women that they don't need to tell their life story in the first few dates, and especially not in an online posting.

Just because you're accomplished, do not take control of the dating ritual. You may be used to making things happen in your family life and your professional life, but this is one area where you must remain passive.

"The stalker," shudders a man, remembering the experience of one.

"A lot of women who are over 40 are so desperate, they become too pro-active," says Ms. Schneider, weighing in on the subject. "They have money, and they want to be powerful in a relationship. But it's about letting the men pursue you. That's your power."

Finally, be low-maintenance. Ms. Schneider's and Ms. Fein's rules were designed to help younger women bag husbands. Women of an (un)certain age do not need or want marriage in the same way. You've been there, bed that.

Which is why younger men like older women. They don't feel pressure that the relationship is expected to end in marriage. Older women are looking for love, but with some equanimity; they have accepted that they may, or may not, find the marriage kind of love again. In the meantime, they will take a lover like they take a bath - when they feel like it, and when they need one.

Leave the role of drama queen to the younger woman. That way, you can sway right by her.

Next week, Generation Ex finds out what women look for when dating men of a certain age.