You are back on the dating scene years, sometimes decades, after you were last here, standing solo at a party or in a bar with a glass of wine in your hand. It's one of life's little surprises, like being fired from a job.
Only now, instead of wondering if the guy across the room is checking you out, you're worried that no one is. Middle age has a way of making women feel invisible. And dating again is not like riding a bicycle.
But fear not. I asked a number of men about what they like about older women, an exercise that produced some tips that will help you navigate life as a recycled singleton in modern times.
So adjust your bifocals and read about The Rules for Women of a Certain Age.
Actually, make that an uncertain age, because the first lesson is that the number is not important and need not be divulged. "You don't look old enough to have children in their early 20s," a man will sometimes say. To which I allow a dignified silence. "You must have been a child bride," he says. To which I make no correction.
What's important is your energy age. "Don't underestimate your confidence," a single, fiftysomething man in Calgary advises. "You are the sum of your experiences, and be proud of them."
Susan Kates, who runs a dating service called DinnerWorks that organizes small gatherings in restaurants in Toronto, Vancouver and Ottawa, tells both women and men not to talk about age. "People get fixated on it," she says. "But age is irrelevant. It's about who you are as a person."
Right, but men are visual. So, tip No. 2: Do not embrace the muumuu. By that I mean the draping caftan look older women begin to adopt when they want to hide their softening bodies. There's a certain sway to life in middle age. Embrace the sway, ladies.
What men love is a "lack of embarrassment for any body you have," a fiftysomething Romeo explains. "If you're wearing a tent, it means you are ashamed." Instead, wear body-conscious clothes. Channel the European woman who is elegant and bien dans sa peau. It's a refined cougarishness, minus the claws.
You have to look after yourself - exercise and eat well - but no one who loves older women expects them to look 20 when the clothes come off. Besides, you can always back out of the room - think Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give.
Instead of T&A - the province of the younger set - think C&L: cleavage and legs. Too much makeup can also betray older women - accenting their age rather than diminishing it.
Cover the grey. Men do not pay attention to whether you dye your hair. "Until my wife told me that everyone colours their hair, I thought there were natural blondes in the world," one man confesses. Let men remain clueless on this one. Grey hair, men suggest, can play havoc with their libido.
There may be porn sites about hot grannies, but that's a fringe kink. One caveat: Completely silver seems okay. Golden-haired. Silver-haired. Maybe it's some strange subliminal thing about being prospectors instead of hunters.
Act your age. Younger women have their youth. You have your humanity. "If you're not most human at 40, 45, 50, you will never be human," observes a male acquaintance in his 50s. "Younger women are sperm foraging. With older women, you hope for a heart. You hope that they have been disillusioned by power, as you have been, if you are self-aware. To meet an older woman with those attributes is like sitting in a broken-in seat in a car. New leather is slippery. But a broken-in seat, well, there's nothing more comfortable and nothing more personal."
