News

Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.

A reader writes: When I married my husband 10 years ago, I stressed to him that I was marrying him, not his business. Since that time he has struggled to keep it going. I purposely stayed out of the business, but lent him money to help it through a rough patch. I received one payment once, way back when. I feel resentful that he has never treated me with respect on this matter, or answered my questions about what we will live on in old age. When I bring it up, he changes the subject or gets defensive. I do work, and had the foresight to draw up a prenuptial agreement. Selling the business is out of the question. But it's hard for me to watch it drain his energy and our savings. There are three of us in this marriage. Should I stay or should I go?

Stick it out

You knew he had a business before you married him, so it's only fair to ride it out. Sounds like he's determined to make it work, and if it finally does turn around, selling at retirement time would be part of your retirement plan. Running a business is not like having a job - it's a 24/7.

-Dennis Ruddell, Regina

Bring him back to reality

Stay only if he will go to a therapist with you to discuss why he feels he should continue pretending to be a successful business owner. It may be that his pride isn't allowing him to let go. Perhaps the fear of something new is making him stay the course down the slippery slope to business failure. If he isn't paying you back, then technically he is failing. Get help from a therapist to point this out to him gently. Do this soon, then leave him if he cannot get to a point where he can admit what is his current reality.

-Greg Elliott, Mississauga

Draft a business plan

Should you leave him? No, not if you love him. Ask him to bring his financials and business plan to someone who can objectively evaluate whether the business can make a go, then get the help to make it happen. Give him the six months or year or whatever you both can live with to turn it around. After that, you have to make an agreement that the business will either be sold off and he'll find something else - employment, not another business - or that the business will become second to your relationship. Show him you're willing to sacrifice for his dream if the dream is viable, but not forever.

-Cynthia Lebeuf, Oakville, Ont.

The FINAL WORD

Dear Drained,

The work-as-mistress grievance is a common one. In your eyes, your husband's business might as well be wearing fishnet stockings and have a condo in Palm Springs. It is the lipstick on his collar, the smell of perfume on his tie, the mumbled excuse for being late, the constant, eviscerating distraction.

My worry, dear Drained, is that your letter has the same spareness of expression as the Clash song of the same title. Were there no other notable attributes worth mentioning? Alongside his seemingly doomed business venture, does your husband happen to be funny, tender or thrilling in small, daily ways?

From your haiku-like brevity, I will glean that if he ever was any of these things, he is no longer. His business is a body-snatcher, a hungry blight wearing away at your financial foundation and whatever unnamable frisson that first pulled you together.

My advice: Return to your vows. You had a desire to commit yourself to this man, whatever his misadventures. The desire was so propelling you gave him a lifetime guarantee. But, you counter: I am too bankrupt to do this work of retrieval.

Strategy: As you would be forced to do in an emergency, strip away the emotional cost of your circumstances and instead be practical. Your husband needs help. Offer it.

Sooner Than Later Elliott astutely flags pride and fear to be the likely culprit behind your husband's tailspin. Allow this insight to soften your perception. While It's Only Fair Ruddell has the delicacy of a coach in the fourth quarter, heed his instruction: Ride it out.

Sacrifice Lebeuf takes it one step further: Draft a business plan and propose a schedule around resuscitating the business. Provide parameters to guide your husband, not contingencies to threaten him.

If his business is indeed going down, your marriage does not have to follow.

Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published last year by Coach House Books. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com

***

Next week's question

My boyfriend's parents' house is truly disgusting. It's small, cramped, dirty and in desperate need of repair. I hate spending time there. How do I handle this? Click here to contribute your widsom.

***

Claudia Dey's first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books in April. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com.