Before the very latest round of made-in-Canada bad economic news, I spent all last week working on this: a recession-relevant update of that famous Joe Canadian beer commercial from a few years back. You know, the one where the guy clears his throat and, as the music swells, talks proudly about what it is to be a Canadian.
My new version went something like this:
"Hey. I'm not a subprime mortgagee.
"Or one of Bernie Madoff's victims.
"And I don't live in a foreclosed house.
"I have a Prime Minister who says that, while American consumers bought into the idea that it was okay to live beyond their means, 'thankfully, Canadians, among few nations in the Western world, did not embrace this idea so recklessly.'
"I pronounce it RRSP. Not 401(k). (And I even managed to put a little money in this season.)
"I can proudly recount the latest profit statements from all five of Canada's biggest - and still solvent - banks. I believe in medicare, not screw the sick.
"A tuque is still a hat.
"A chesterfield is still a couch And it is still pronounced 'zed' not 'zee.'
"Canada is the second-largest land mass! The proud nation of Employment Insurance! And the best part of the North American economy, or what's left of it.
"My name is Joe! And I am a recession-hardy CANADIAN!"
What do you think? For one shining moment, didn't it just sum up your national pride after those heady few weeks of hearing about how Canada was the envy of the world amid a global recession?
Finally we were getting some international respect, with British and American financial analysts wistfully complimenting our modest but sturdy banking system.
For a little while, we were looking pretty good. Our banks reported profits, we apparently avoided the subprime mess. Our loonie, having been whacked, was again on the rise. We were the last to be affected by this economic downturn, and the reassuring word from our own leaders was that we would be among the first to recover.
Still, I don't know about you, but any swelling of national economic pride during these tough times made me more than a little nervous.
It turns out I had good reason to be. According to a recent report in this newspaper, we have our own little subprime situation, mainly in British Columbia and Alberta, with "lenders foreclosing on the homes of extended borrowers at an alarming pace."
Our loonie hit its lowest point in 4½ years last week, and now, with unemployment rising sharply past 7 per cent, even Mark Carney, the resolutely cheerful governor of the Bank of Canada, has begun whistling a more sombre tune. Just last weekend, at a meeting of the Group of 20 finance ministers and central bankers in England, Mr. Carney, according to news reports, "hinted strongly" that Canada will not pull out of recession as quickly as he had forecast only a few months ago. Apparently, that 3.8-per-cent growth he predicted for 2010 has become, sorry, wrong number.
On top of that, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has me very confused. One minute, he's preaching optimism, suggesting we direct our feet to the sunny side of the street and be the first to "catch the wave" on our way out of the recession. The next minute, he's warning we're in a grim situation, made even grimmer of course by the Liberal opposition. Yet he's apparently appalled his own base by quoting the liberal economic theories of John Maynard Keynes. Honestly, I can't tell any more what he really thinks about the shape we're in.
So I think, given this mess, we need to be a bit more realistic about our greatness:
"My name is Joe, and I hope I don't get laid off like my brother did.
"Part of me is royally pissed that every time I touch my bank account I get slapped with a fee, while those executives crow on and on about their profits.
"My wife's unemployment insurance benefits just ran out. And my Visa balance keeps me awake at night.
"I just found out that the social worker who arranges home care at the hospital where my mother is terminally ill has been laid off, leaving me without support when I bring her home.
"Frankly, I don't care whether you call it a chesterfield or a couch, there seems to be an awful lot of unsold ones in stock these days. And I can't buy one now anyway.
"I lost my tuque the other day, so I really hope spring comes soon because I can't afford to replace it.
"My name is Joe and I'm Canadian, and brother, can you spare a dime?"
(Fade out the music, grab a beer and hope for the best.)
