Long before Kristen Battistone experienced her first break-up with a boyfriend, countless films had taught her how to deal: the pint of Ben & Jerry's, the rom-com marathon, and of course the sob-fest with a gal pal.
But when Ms. Battistone was in her third year at Trent University, she was completely clueless about how to deal with another kind of break up: this time, with her best friend. After she and the friend in question squared off in a big blow-out, tension filled the house they shared like carbon monoxide. Their relationship went toxic and she had no idea what to do.
"She didn't speak to me for a week and our rooms were right next to each other," she said.
While the dissolution of a romantic relationship can be hard, the break-up between best friends can be even more difficult, experts say. In her new book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, psychologist Irene S. Levine argues that many women tough it out in best friend break-ups because of the myth that close friendships between women are supposed to last a lifetime.
"It comes from our mothers who want us to make friends, it comes from novels, it comes from movies, it comes from TV series. I think there's this glowing portrait of female friendships in the media," Ms. Levine said.
Making matters more difficult is the fact that women often reveal far more about themselves to their best friends than they do to their partners, says Jan Yager, an author and friendship coach. "Sometimes these friendships may have lasted longer than any other intimate relationship in someone's life."
It means women often stay in unhealthy friendships much longer than they should.
"While good friendships are good for your health, bad ones or ambivalent ones can be bad or hurtful either mentally or emotionally," Ms. Levine said.
For Ms. Battistone, the trouble started when her friend found a boyfriend. She was quick to ditch plans with all others for him; as a result, Ms. Battistone eventually stopped inviting her out, assuming she'd say no. This caused a rift, and things boiled over one day when Ms. Battistone borrowed a textbook without asking. The woman blew up at her, and then gave her the silent treatment.
After the fight, Ms. Battistone did not know which friends she could confide in.
It's a typical reaction, Ms. Levine says. From the results an online survey of more than 1,200 women, she discovered that many felt they couldn't talk to other friends, partners or their mothers about a best friend break-up. Sometimes it was because they couldn't trust their other friends, and other times out of fear that they'd be perceived as catty.
Ms. Battistone's roommate finally broke the silence, but by then, it was clear the BFF balloon had burst.
"From that point on I was more guarded around her. I didn't really confide in her as much as I had before," Ms. Battistone said.
While some romantic couples manage to pull off the "let's stay friends" resolution with ease, it's much harder when you're simply friends to begin to with, Ms. Yager said.
"Sometimes it's easier to move a casual friend slowly and cautiously into the 'best' category than it is to take a best or close friend with whom you've had a falling out and move them back into the 'casual' category," she said.
More often, the animosity and resentment lingers for years. A famous example is what happened between Gwyneth Paltrow and Winona Ryder. Throughout the nineties, they were known as best friends who shopped, dined and worked the red carpet together. But it all fell apart in 1998, when Ms. Paltrow won the lead role in Shakespeare in Love, allegedly over Ms. Ryder.
