Meet the server's least favourite diners:
The faux celebrity
Distinguishing characteristics: These special VIPs (Vainly Irritating Poseurs) don't have a lot of money, but know people who do. They are often in the public eye due to their ability to schmooze the photographers who work for local, giveaway tabloids.
Can be overheard saying: "I'm a friend of the chef."
Best dealt with by: Seating them next to other poseurs, allowing them to think they're all being given special treatment.
Mr. Big Shot
Distinguishing characteristics: Extremely wealthy; only orders expensive wines that have been given 95 points or more by Robert Parker. Tips very generously, but makes you grovel for it.
Can be overheard saying: "I don't want to be any trouble, but if the chef could just…"
Best dealt with by: Smothering him with sycophancy.
Ladies who lunch
Distinguishing characteristics: High-maintenance; always travel in flocks. Can usually be witnessed air-kissing from the other side of the restaurant.
Can be overheard saying: "I'd like my sauce on the side."
Best dealt with by: Flattery and small doses of naughty sarcasm, preferably delivered by a handsome gay man.
Alexandra Gill