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facts & arguments

Facts & Arguments is a daily personal piece submitted by readers. Have a story to tell? See our guidelines at tgam.ca/essayguide.

It's a typical day in our home. The theme song from Curious George is blaring in the background. My one-year-old is excitedly bouncing in her ExerSaucer, the familiar "thump, thump, thump" signalling her pure glee, while my nearly three-year-old tears apart the house in search of her treasured basketball. My husband is on his hands and knees, looking for that same basketball under the couch, where all he finds are shrivelled Cheerios and Little People smiling (and some waving) back at him.

We are a typical Canadian family, except that in many ways we are not. This was made evident one night recently when my husband and I went out for dinner with his parents. We were sitting across the table from them, our daughter sitting between us, when our baby started to fuss and I picked her up to nurse. Our waitress looked horrified, and I braced myself to fight for the right to feed my child in public. But that wasn't the issue.

"I didn't know she was your daughter!" the woman sputtered, in complete shock. She had thought the baby at my breast was my sister, and the man who shared my bed was my brother. We were too young to be parents, and my in-laws definitely too young to be grandparents.

This was just one example of many when we have been told we are too young. We were too young to get engaged, too young to get married and too young to have children.

Now 25, we have chosen to do things a bit differently from the rest – not better, not worse, just different.

My husband and I have never been people to follow the path of least resistance. I spent my entire engagement explaining to people the reasons why I wanted to get married so young. "Love" was never a good enough answer. By the time I announced my pregnancy, a mere four months after getting married, most had thrown up their arms in surrender. We would do what we wanted to do.

Today, our two daughters are cherished and loved by their very young grandparents. They couldn't dream of another life in which these lights did not brighten up their world.

I chose to stay at home with my kids and I spend my days finger-painting, dancing to Bubble Guppies and chatting up moms about 10 years my seniors at the park. I have way more in common with the 35-year-old ladies than I do with the partying friends of my youth.

There are other differences that, because of our decision to start our family so young, separate us from most Canadian families. We live in a rented apartment and we drive one vehicle.

Taryn Gee for The Globe and Mail

As all of our friends start buying homes, we sometimes feel a pang of jealousy that we aren’t there yet. We have an RRSP and we will get there, maybe around the age of 30, which isn’t really a big deal. Except by then we’ll have been married a decade and have two school-aged children.

As my children grow older I wonder how our choices will affect them. Will we have birthday parties at our tiny apartment, and how will our kids feel about that? At what point will they notice that their clothes are thrifted? Will they wonder why they have to walk or take transit with their mom? Will it embarrass them how much younger we are than their friends’ parents?

I believe the answer to those questions depends on the narrative we pass down to our children.

We don’t have much materially, but our cups are overflowing in love and time spent together. Walking together as a family is healthy, and there are many adventures to be had when we are travelling by bus. I also think it’s important that we pass on the knowledge that everybody has freedom of choice and that no family is better than another.

Every human being is deserving of respect. Most of the time, you can’t change people’s minds.

To the 40-year-old woman who doesn’t want children: I respect you and honour your decision. I will not patronize you with stories of the beauty of motherhood because I trust your judgment and don’t feel the need to sway your mind.

To the woman who wants to be a surrogate: I won’t tell you how difficult that’s going to be because I know you have already thought those thoughts and your heart knows what it wants.

I was out alone recently (a rare occurrence), having my eyebrows waxed at a salon, and the aesthetician started asking me questions about my life. When I told her the waxing was for a wedding, she asked: “Not your wedding, though, right? You’re too young to get married.”

I laughed and explained, “Actually my wedding was four years ago. I have a toddler and a preschooler now.”

I know I can’t control what others perceive. I may not look like a mother on the outside, but inside my body is a place in which I carried two human beings for nine months, and a heart that beats every single day for the lives my husband and I created.

It is a powerful and beautiful thing to be a mother, and an honour that I will cherish all my life.

Brianna Bell lives in Guelph, Ont.