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After a few weeks of hearing about the security breach and exposure of Ashley Madison account members this summer, I decided to seek more information about the infidelity website. I was curious.
I set up an AM account with my favourite alias, added very minimal text for my profile page and looked into a few male profiles.
I didn't post pictures, so there was no visual of me, and my personal rules were simple: 1) I would not initiate contact with anyone; 2) I would reply only to people who interested me, and 3) I would tell my spouse what I was doing.
I had no real intentions other than to be a spectator. But after a day or two, I received winks, photos and messages. I replied to two men: Guy One was a Caucasian male in his 40s whose profile mentioned that he sometimes invites his friend to participate in the action; Guy Two was also a Caucasian male in his 40s, seeking a secret long-term relationship.
I wondered why these two were interested in me, given the limited information. Maybe it was because I put Asian as my ethnicity, which is true.
Of the two men, Guy Two piqued my interest more. He seemed more down to my speed. In our messages, he mentioned that he was looking for an emotional connection. His messages seemed to indicate that the physical could be postponed for an undetermined amount of time.
Guy Two told me that he was in a decent co-parenting situation and that there was no romance between him and his partner. I wondered what his partner was thinking – what was she going through. Was she also seeking a secret relationship?
I told him about my hesitation and uncertainty. He was fine with my wishy-washiness. I told him that we could meet and arranged a day and time the following week.
On the weekend, my spouse asked me why I had opened the AM account and what I wanted to get from meeting Guy Two. My honest answer was that I was seeking an emotional connection.
He didn’t expect that, and we spent the rest of the night talking about what I felt were our issues. I told him how I was feeling and when it had all begun – five to six years earlier.
During those years, I felt my spouse had changed for the worse, and that despite efforts on my part to talk about the issues, he’d shut me out emotionally. Whenever I would ask him anything, we’d end up in an argument and he would tell me to “shut up.” He would then walk away and lie on the bed, simply ignoring anything that had happened.
Whenever I asked for help around the house, he did nothing. I had to fix things on my own, from the kitchen faucet to the toilets, in addition to helping the children and doing my paid work. I was literally too busy for one person.
Sometimes in our conversations he would speak in angry and mean tones. He used belittling language. Several times I told him to stop. I did not like how he was talking to me.
His attitude was not limited to me, it was the same toward the children. Whenever he would return from being away, he’d be content for about an hour, but when the noise level got too loud he would say something like, “I was much happier when I was away.”
I told him his behaviour was ruining his relationships with me and the kids. I asked him on varying occasions to move back home with his mother. I even mentioned divorce, but he would throw it back at me and ask if that was what I wanted. Then he would tell me to “shut up,” go lie on the bed and brush everything under the emotional rug.
I started building my own emotional walls. I disliked having sex with him – sex was a chore. And because I was constantly busy, I often did paid work or sought “me” time late at night. I preferred to be alone than to have sex.
He was not prepared for my answer to the Ashley Madison question.
But he decided to listen to what I had to say. He finally realized that I was not as happy as he believed and that I was starting to seek an alternative emotional connection.
As we continued talking about our issues, he asked me to cancel my meeting with Guy Two. And I did.
Before I created my Ashley Madison account, I had not even considered extramarital activities. But in a span of three weeks, Guy Two had piqued my interest. I had felt as if I was heading toward relationship suicide and my final call for help was creating that account.
My husband and I have decided to work on fixing what is broken and renewing the emotional connection that once did exist between us. And although my flirtation with Ashley Madison may be seen as the catalyst, we are staying together because we still care for each other and have invested so much in our 15-year marriage. We will continue talking and he will be more helpful at home. This experience has helped shed light in an area where we both had let the light go dim.
D.G. Der lives in North Vancouver.