Before they had a baby, Mel Jahnke and her husband, Mike, were “best friends,” Ms. Jahnke says. They laughed a lot, did chores together and coasted through five years of wedded bliss.
Then came a bouncing baby boy – followed by sleepless nights, endless laundry and Mike's retreat into what Ms. Jahnke calls “the man cave.”
Bickering ensued.
“The more I nagged, the less stuff got done,” Ms. Jahnke explains, adding that her husband's diagnosis with multiple sclerosis made matters worse.
What little free time they had, the couple stopped spending together.
“It was really hard for both of us,” says Ms. Jahnke, who lives in a suburb of Milwaukee, Wis.
Eventually, they got help with childcare so they could reconnect emotionally. Now that their son, Gabe, is more than two years old, the couple is happier than ever, she says.
But the Jahnkes have ruled out having a second child, which Ms. Jahnke fears could injure their marriage beyond repair. “I guess I'm not willing to take that risk,” she says.
Today's parents seem prepared to set aside all kinds of pleasures to nurture a child – from their sex lives to careers, not to mention happy-hour beers – but there's one thing even the most kinder-friendly couple is loath to give up: their marriage.
And when one child rocks the marital boat, a growing number of couples are sticking with just one to keep their union strong.
That doesn't make them wimps, though. In fact, research suggests that children are more taxing on marriages than they used to be.
In an eight-year survey of 218 couples, 90 per cent reported a decline in marital satisfaction after the birth of the first child. The recently published study noted a spike in communication problems and a crisis of faith in the marriage, especially during the adjustment period after the birth.
Some of the couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth but the vast majority reported a general deterioration in their marriages over time that was more pronounced than for childless couples.
For most parents, marital satisfaction doesn't rebound until after the last child has left home, according to Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychology professor who analyzed studies and made the conclusion in his 2006 book Stumbling on Happiness .
The problem may be partly a modern one, social scientists say. Couples are having children later, are more invested in their careers and don't get as much help from extended family members as they did in the past.
Given the fragile state of the modern marriage, it's no wonder only children are on the rise.
In 1980, just 10 per cent of American kids were “onlies.” Today, more than 20 per cent of children are singletons and the figure is closer to 30 per cent in cities such as New York, based on data from Rutgers University.
In Canada, one in four children is the only child living at home, according to the 2006 Census. But the figure doesn't indicate whether the child has younger siblings on the way or a brother or sister who lives in a different household.
Parents end up with just one child for all kinds of reasons, including finances and fertility problems, says Carolyn White, editor of Only Child, an online magazine launched 12 years ago. Nevertheless, marital tension is high on the list.
“We get thousands of letters from all over the world and this issue of having a child affecting the marriage is pretty common,” she says.
Some couples stop at one child as a preventative measure.
Jen Arbo of New Westminster, B.C., remembers suffering emotionally during her parents' messy divorce when she was a child. As a new parent, Ms. Arbo says, she's very protective of her decade-long relationship with her husband, Ross.
