Thirteen-year-old Ryan is responsible, nurturing and a well-rounded athlete. Eleven-year-old Carson is independent, a strict vegetarian and a talented dancer. Six-year-old Taryn is a free-spirited social butterfly, clomping around the house in pink leather boots, and leaving messes she isn't likely to clean up herself.
The kids are a textbook case of traits related to birth order, a point not lost on their mother, Shannon Alexander. Their behaviour, she surmises, has a lot to do with how they're treated by mom and dad.
“I would say we have higher expectations for our oldest, and probably our middle as well, than we do for our little one, not that we don't think she's going to do great things,” she said from her home in Belleville, Ont. “I think we do definitely treat them differently and I think it's subconscious. I feel badly some days.”
From left: Ryder, Kadyn and Bodhey Steele. Ryder, the oldest, worries about his schoolwork, while middle child Kadyn is more independent. Bodhey, the youngest is easygoing.— J.P. Moczulski for The Globe and Mail
While kids' behaviour is tied to their age, many experts and parents believe birth order strongly determines who youngsters become as adults. Eldest children are commonly pegged as the responsible ones, surrogate parents to their siblings, overachievers and perfectionists. Middle children tend to be flexible, easygoing and independent, but resent being sometimes lost in the shuffle. Youngest children are outgoing attention-seekers who often have a flair for comedy.
A new British survey has found that 77 per cent of moms think birth order largely determines a child's personality and achievements, while 23 per cent said it wasn't relevant. Many of the 9,326 mothers who opined via online community Netmums.com fear they're treating their kids differently according to birth order, perhaps bogging the eldest down with more responsibility while letting the youngest off scot-free.
Mississauga mom Orysa Steele sees birth order characteristics in her three sons. Ryder, 7, “always looks to the outside world for feedback” she says, and worries about his schoolwork. While independent, middle son Kadyn, 5, tries hard to keep up with his older brother. Eighteen-month-old Bodhey is very easygoing and always smiling.
Since they're all unique, Ms. Steele and her husband Andy can't help but treat them differently. But they're concentrating on making sure their middle son doesn't feel shafted because of his place in the family.
“There's a lot of pressure on the middle child … they get caught, they don't know what they want,” she says. “We really are trying to focus on Kadyn.”
Some wonder whether treatment according to birth order is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you treat the youngest like a baby, will she act like one? If your eldest is always expected to set an example, will he inevitably become uptight and bossy? Does birth order really matter in terms of how the kid's going to turn out?
“I teach [birth order] in all my parenting classes and usually there's a terrific ‘aha' moment about themselves as parents … and also a great deal of empathy in understanding that's going on with their kids,” says Alyson Schafer, a Toronto parenting expert and author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids. “I tell them this is not so much about the order you're born in the family; there are unique experiences based on what was going on in your family in your early formative years … [when] your personality is shaping.”
Since they're new at the game, parents tend to be anxious with their first child and often keep them on a tighter leash, says Kathy Lynn, a Vancouver-based parenting expert and author. But by the time No. 3 comes along, mom and dad are often tired and tend to cave to the demands of “the baby.”
