The question
My son, who is in his mid-20s, is living with his girlfriend. He has always been a good-natured, conscientious fellow with an impressive ability to save money. She, as an only child, has been doted on by her parents, and has been treated as a bit of a princess. Still, they are a good couple and I am glad they are together.
But lately some red flags have gone up. My son confided that he has accumulated a credit card debt of about $10,000, and that his girlfriend has nearly $30,000 in student loan debt. My son is working at a minimum-wage job and supporting her while she finishes her degree.
They live in a small apartment and in the last year they have acquired a dog and a cat – at her insistence. She is in major nesting mode: I know what’s next, and it wears diapers. During one recent visit they told me that they are looking at homes. It was all I could do not to throw a bucket of cold water at them.
He is already putting his career second so that she can get her degree. Oh, and she’s just announced that she’s now thinking of going after her PhD.
Do I speak up or shut up? Do I let my son continue to be a doormat or do I give him a shake?
The answer
Well, some people might say: “Hey, your son’s in his 20s, time to let go the reins of motherhood, and let him make his own mistakes.”
But I’m not one of them.
These days our adolescences last much longer (I think I was about 42 before I finally snapped out of mine), and many of us could still use quite a bit of help, advice, and, ideally, cash, well into our so-called adult years.
Sometimes I look at my oldest son, Nick, who’s 13, and think: “How’s he going to be in the work force and paying rent in 10 years or less? There’s still so much kid in him!”
The fact you have to get used to, mommy dearest, is you can no longer tell them what to do. You are in a strictly advisory position now, and henceforward – unless they try to borrow money from you, of course.
Then maybe you’ll get your old mom-juice back and be able to dictate terms once again.
Until then, though, I absolutely would jump in and start dishing out the advice. Your son and his girlfriend seem to need it.
As to what the advice, specifically, should be, well, that’s a little more ticklish.
Conventional wisdom would suggest you lecture them on the topic of thrift.
I’m a big believer in thrift. During my 20s, I lived off the proceeds of a two-day-a-week part-time job for four years, while I worked on my first novel.
That’s thrifty, baby! I even discovered it is possible to live on a dollar a day. The secret is ramen noodles. In my neighbourhood they sold four packages for a dollar. You have one for breakfast, one for lunch, and two for dinner. You have to mix up the flavours (beef, pork, chicken, shrimp and “oriental flavour”), but it’s true after a while they all taste the same and you crave a big, fat, juicy steak.
But I don’t think thrift alone is going to solve the problem in your son’s case. Did you say he’s paying the rent, supporting a dog, a cat, putting a PhD-aspirant girlfriend through school, shopping for a house and planning for a family on the proceeds of a minimum wage job?
The thriftiest person in the world couldn’t make that one work. Anyway, sounds like he is, or at least used to be, thrifty, a.k.a. a “saver,” at least while he was living under his parents’ roof.
