The Question
My wife and I have been in a long-distance relationship that began shortly before the marriage, and has lasted for six years. She moves from one job to another in different countries. Both of us work in very specialized professions, which we can only practise from our respective locations. I cannot ask her to quit her profession, and I don't want to quit mine.
We see each other about once a year for maybe a week or two, but maintain a weekly phone call.
Recently she has been talking having children. And because we really don't have the time to be together, she wants to go through IVF. She plans to take a year off as maternity leave, and then go to work in Nairobi for two years. And God knows where else after that.
I have always encouraged her to pursue what she wanted. However, I have been asking myself if there is any point in maintaining this relationship. Am I being selfish to think we should separate?
The Answer
I've received my fair share of weird letters, doing this job.
For Example – Lesbians want my sperm: Should I donate? While hot-tubbing nude with our wives, my friend and I became visibly aroused when his wife's sister joined us: How to smooth things over, maritally?
Our friend's cleaning lady found strange panties in the laundry: Should she mention it to the woman of the house?
But your letter, sir, might just take the cake.
So thank you. I love answering these types of questions.
Is this the future? Your dilemma is a logical extension, I suppose, of the technologically isolated, boy-in-a-bubble-type existences we lead these days; of a Brave New World in which we e-mail, text, Twitter and Facebook one another, but rarely get together face to face; a world in which it is possible to know a person for years without actually meeting that person in person.
And now we have a marriage in which the relationship is literally phoned in, and to have children the sperm is – what? – FedExed in a specially insulated package for IVF insemination in absentia ?
What's all this about “no time” for insemination the old-fashioned way? How long do you think it takes? Thanks to a pair of precision incisions and tubal removals by Dr. Shakeyhands the friendly neighbourhood vasectomist, I can no longer inseminate the women of the world, no matter how much I might want to and no matter how hard I might try; but if memory serves, it's a process that can be performed in 90 seconds flat.
And am I getting this right – that you actually separated, geographically, just before getting married? That's a new one. A couple that separates, then gets married. Brave New World, indeed.
I'm sorry to say this, but yours seems like a bit of an open-and-shut case. I suppose some readers might disagree, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm afraid it is my unpleasant duty to inform you, sir, you were never really married.
At least, not in any sense I understand.
Marriage, to me, is about many things. It's about sex (sorry, I may be married but I'm still a guy). It's about raising kids together, if you have them. It's about seeing each other every day, helping each other through life's ups and downs, sleeping in the same bed, having dinner together.…
You ask: “Do you think we should separate?” To which the only answer I can think of is: “Pal, how could you get any more separate than you already are?”
Sorry if I sound kind of old-school. But, in my view, marriage without cohabitation is like a car without an engine: You might be able to push it along for a while, but really it can only go downhill.
Of course, part of marriage is supporting each other in your careers, and sometimes you may have to make sacrifices, even separate physically, for a time.
But you and your “wife” have taken this notion to an absurd extreme.
For this to be anything other than a marriage in name only, someone has to decide to give up something so the two of you can be in the same place, geographically.
If no one is willing to do that, I have to say, first of all, it's a blessing that you haven't already had a kid.
Because that'll make it easy for you to finalize what has been a divorce in every way, by every definition, except on paper, for the last six years.
Let me be perfectly clear: Do not impregnate this woman, unless your circumstances drastically change. You will live to rue the day you said “yes” to that little IVF-ing.
The only question is: How will you, a couple who is never together and supposedly can't even “find time” for sex, be in the same place long enough to sign the papers?
Maybe you can meet up in Reno for a quickie – divorce, that is?
If not, FedEx the proper papers (not, repeat not, your sperm) to your globe-trotting wife, so you can both move on; and the sooner you both find people with whom you can spend time, hold hands, sip chardonnay in the sunshine, raise kids, snuggle and, ideally, all else being equal, grow old, the better.
David Eddie is a screenwriter and the author of Chump Change and Housebroken: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Dad.
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