Imagine sailing to a mysterious land, then dancing with fearsome creatures that cower when you stare into their enormous yellow eyes. Sounds like a boyish fantasy, not a punishment, right?
Maybe. But the chance to escape on a quixotic adventure is just what an unruly kid needs, according to Anthony Rao. The Boston-based child psychologist uses Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are as an analogy for how parents should discipline their kids. Traditional “time outs” using a timer and a “naughty mat” don't work, he argues. Many children, especially feisty ones, won't sit on a mat for even a minute, let alone four or five. Instead, tantrumming preschoolers need a private space to conquer their demons before they are ready to rejoin the fold.
The time out originated in a 1963 experiment involving an autistic child, who was isolated for five minutes to discourage his aggressive behaviour. Since then, parenting gurus ranging from Dr. Phil to Supernanny Jo Frost have insisted that a misbehaving child should sit still and apart, using the formula of one minute for every year of age. Though some psychologists condemn the practice, it remains the go-to strategy for exasperated parents.
Recently, however, critiques of time outs on prominent parenting blogs have reignited the debate over whether the old standby is a gentle alternative to spanking or a crude behaviour-modification technique best left to dog trainers. In the latter camp, Dr. Rao and two other parenting experts with new books – Cary Chugh and Susan Stiffelman – each suggest different ways to put the standard time out on permanent pause.
Catherine Keener and Max Records in Where the Wild Things Are. Some parenting experts consider the film an example of how kids should be disciplined.
THE TIME AWAY
NUTSHELL: A variation of the old-fashioned “go to your room and stay there until you're ready to behave.”
THEORY: A parent's warnings, reprimands and proximity during a time out overstimulate an already agitated child. During a meltdown, a child needs a private space where he can be angry with his parents, wish he was never born or fantasize about running away, says psychologist Anthony Rao. “He does all this imaginary mental work to get through it,” Dr. Rao says, “and when he's ready, in the privacy and safety of his room, he can come back and accept the rules.”
PRACTICE: Explain a time away beforehand so the child knows what to expect when she misbehaves. After the offence, stay calm and do not use eye contact, lecture her or give warnings. Ensure the child has enough time in her bedroom to calm down – from five minutes to half an hour or more. Do not go in and check on her. When she comes out, offer a hug and discuss the reason for the time away. Then start fresh.
ADVOCATE: Dr. Rao explores the merits of time aways in his new book, The Way of Boys . Most parents overuse time outs “and have no clue what they're doing,” he says, adding that the minute per year of age formula is nonsensical. “Your child is not a turkey in the oven.”
THE TIME RELEASE
NUTSHELL: The child can end the penance at any time by doing the right thing.
THEORY: Instead of an immediate punishment, parents should give children the chance to practice the opposite of the bad behaviour. Saying sorry is not enough; the child has to perform a positive action. Otherwise, she has no blueprint for how to behave next time. Many parents have the illusion that if they punish enough bad behaviour, only good behaviour will remain, says child psychologist Cary Chugh. “I call this behavioural whack-a-mole.”
