Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.
A reader writes: My sister-in-law lacks social skills. She has clumsily stomped all over the feelings of my family for years, and we have consistently turned the other cheek. A classic example: When she arranged the seating at their wedding, I was placed at the very back of the room instead of with the rest of my family near the head table. Her response? “Well, my cousin is sitting back there too, so I don't know what you're upset about!” Another of my brothers recently decided never to speak to her again. I would love to cut her out of my life, but I don't want to lose contact with my brother and his children. But she is adamantly averse to any kind of heart-to-heart honest discussion. So after all these years of making allowances for her “because she doesn't know any better,” and getting furious and then gradually cooling off until the next blooper, what can I do?
Your bro needs help
Doesn't sound like a lack of social skills at all, more like a highly skilled manipulator. She'd like nothing more than for you to cut her out of your life, because that cuts the tie between you and your brother and his support system. The heart-to-heart should be with your brother, to strengthen your bond and as a warning to him to protect himself and his children. The best way to deal with abusers is to develop a backbone and call them out when needed. I see an unhappy future in the making.
– Ernie Krause, London, Ont.
Write a letter
Speaking as a person with below-average social skills, my advice is to give your sister-in-law a cold splash of reality. She needs to be told explicitly that her behaviour is destructive. Start by talking to your brother. Let him know your concerns and ask him to speak with his wife and be very clear with her about what is going on. This strategy could prove effective because he is probably the one she trusts most and the one she's most likely to listen to. An alternative is to ask his permission to write her a letter about this. (A letter, not an e-mail.) If she's averse to heart-to-heart discussions, she may be willing to read a letter that kindly, courteously, yet unambiguously states the problem.
– Andrew Torry, Calgary
Your bro must step up
How has your brother managed to evade taking responsibility for his wife and the conflict she has created within your family? Did he simply sit back and do nothing while you were isolated to a back table at his wedding? That is unacceptable. The onus to improve the current situation should not reside with you; it should reside with your brother. He was the one who made the decision to spend his life with this woman and subject the rest of you to her incivility – he needs to be the one to improve things … at the risk of losing you and the rest of your family.
– Sydney Dundas, Calgary
The final word
If there’s one thing I learned early in my training as an advice columnist, it’s that by far the largest percentage of gripes sent to my fellow Dear Abbys are those letters complaining of a relationship with a Difficult Person.
