Contrary to Disney lore, stepmothers aren’t evil hags out to poison, shame or otherwise abuse the innocent children in their care. Rather, says psychologist Lisa Doodson, they’re grossly misunderstood.
After interviewing more than 300 stepfamilies in the United Kingdom, Dr. Doodson found that stepmoms experience much greater anxiety than biological mothers, whose constant influence may chafe at their daily lives.
With patience and clarity, however, stepmothers can build contented families, says Dr. Doodson, founder of Happysteps.co.uk and author of the soon-to-be-released book, How to be a Happy Stepmum.
What makes being a stepmother so stressful?
Stepmothers tend to underestimate the complexity of their role. They don’t anticipate the feelings they subsequently have of maybe resentment, confusion or ambiguity. The second area is in their interactions with their stepchildren – they’re just not sure what that relationship is or what it should be. And the third area is their relationship with their partner’s ex. The women I talked to really cared what the biological mother felt about them and they wanted to make a good impression. But the flip side is that they would get sort of annoyed about the biological mother too. It was a real dichotomy.
Are biological mothers the bane of a stepmom’s existence?
Some of these women manage to develop a really good relationship, or at least a workable relationship, but I would say they are in the minority. Generally, the two women are sort of set poles apart and it’s a real shame that we don’t have anything in society that encourages this relationship. You feel that if you could just get them to talk, it might actually make things easier.
What about mothers who use the children to sabotage the stepfamily?
If one adult is trying to put the children in the middle, then you really must try not to join in the game because the children are going to feel really pulled apart. You’ve just got to stay on the moral high ground and hope things will improve.
Should the stepmother and father set their own house rules?
Yes, I would say so. No one can expect to control the children when they’re not in their own house. The children can have different rules with their mother and that’s okay.
What’s the best way for a stepmother to define her role?
The best way is to talk to her partner and work out what his expectations are. If there is a disconnect, then they have to compromise and take it slowly and ask what the children want, if the children are old enough. It’s really about understanding how it’s going to work, because it’s new for everybody.
What is the father’s responsibility?
He has quite a hard job because he can be in the middle. The cornerstone that I believe is important in a stepfamily is the couple relationship. They have to trust each other and they have to be able to talk to each other as openly as possible, because the stepmom has to know that she has his support if, for instance, she has to discipline the stepchildren. The father has to be really strong and say, “We are a couple and we are a family together and that’s the way it’s going to be.” And he has to not put the children before the stepmom.
How can a stepmother gain authority with the kids?
The key is to build it over time. It can take several years for stepfamilies to get sort of bonded. As she develops a relationship with the stepchildren that’s based on mutual respect and trust, then she can start to be on equal footing with her partner. It’s about finding things that she and the children can do together. If it’s a teenage girl, then maybe they can go shopping together. If it’s a younger child, then they could maybe plant some things in the garden. It doesn’t really matter what it is.
When the stepmother has kids of her own, how can she avoid treating the stepchildren as second-class kids?
It is really difficult, because some of them are there all of the time and some are there part-time. The important thing is to concentrate on creating special family occasions, so that you build those bonds and those memories as a new family unit. At Christmas time, for example, you could make sure that you always put up the Christmas tree when all of the children are there.
What if a stepmother secretly dislikes one of her stepchildren?
That’s tricky. If there are clashes of personality and they don’t particularly get on, I think it’s up to the adult in that family and the children, depending on their age, to learn to be civil and respectful and then hopefully build on that. It might be that over time, things mellow.
Will we ever see kindly images of stepmoms in pop culture?
I think the [negative] myths and stories are quite pervasive. But if I look at television in the [United Kingdom], there are more and more families in adverts and soaps that are actually quite good role models for stepfamilies. I do think it’s changing but I don’t think it’s changing very quickly.
Do we need a new word for stepmother?
It’s so difficult to get one to stick. In the United States people have talked about “blended families” to get away from “stepfamilies,” but it hasn’t really caught on. Even though we’re not that keen on “stepmom,” we know what it means. So I think it’s about trying to make that more pleasant, really.
