The question
Where can I find an umbrella that doesn't fall apart?
The answer
Masculine lore is particularly arcane and insidious when it comes to umbrellas. French king Louis-Philippe was ridiculed by the satirical press when, in the early 19th century, he appeared in public carrying one – it was a symbol of his everyman style, and he was known henceforth as the bourgeois king. His action cemented the association between the tightly rolled black umbrella and white-collar employment that has lasted ever since. In Britain, in particular, a gentleman's umbrella is closely observed for signs of gentility: It must be furled so tightly as to be needle-like; no flapping corners or snaps. Needless to say, the short collapsible travel umbrella is right out. Yours must be full-length. And black.
It's those cheap travel ones that, in my experience, also disintegrate the most rapidly. A mild breeze shatters them. They are to be avoided always.
Full-length umbrellas all too often have automatic-opening springs inside them, and the catches that keep them closed are also flimsy, leading to many an embarrassing umbrella-blooming inside crowded subway cars and elevators. If you can find one, buy an umbrella that opens manually.
Now as it happens I have just encountered a product that promises to revolutionize the frustrating umbrella forever: it's a Dutch-designed thing that will stay upright and convex in gale-force winds. It is called the Senz, and it is not round, but more teardrop shaped. A strong wind will not knock it over or turn it inside out, but actually draw it upward to face the wind. The umbrella will orient itself, against the wind, into its strongest position. The makers say the Senz will stay upright and intact in 100 km an hour winds, and they have posted on their site and on YouTube a number of demonstration videos that are quite convincing.
The Senz does not meet British expectations of gentlemanliness: its handle is straight and foam-covered rather than curved and wooden, so it will raise eyebrows in class-conscious places. When rolled up it looks more or less like a conventional umbrella. It is not for the traditionalist – it is for the man who values gadgetry over aesthetics. Still, it is pretty cool. It's available in Canada, for $85, at raindropsto.com.
Novelist Russell Smith's memoir, Blindsided, is available as a Kobo e-book.