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Sure, I have a soft spot for raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but schnitzel with noodles (or cucumber salad) really is one of my favourite things.

When it comes to comfort food, nothing beats a tender veal cutlet, pounded into a thin escalope, breaded and pan-fried to a nice crispy brown with crunchy pockets of air bubbles.

The hearty, homestyle dish reminds me of my childhood in Toronto, when a fancy family outing meant going downtown to Graf Bobby, a Viennese café restaurant where the schnitzels were so big they'd hang over the rim of a large dinner plate.

For all its culinary diversity, Vancouver doesn't offer much in the way of heavy, middle-European food.

. The hot-food counter at my local Choices Market makes a mean chicken cutlet (though not regularly enough). And I never visit the Park Royal shopping centre in West Vancouver without taking home some cold Wiener schnitzel from the Black Forest Delicatessen. But sit-down restaurants that serve schnitzel are few and far between. One of the better ones, the Budapest Restaurant & Pastry Shop on Main Street, recently closed.

So wasn't I excited when I heard about Schnitzelz, newly opened on Denman Street?

The thrill was short-lived.

I wasn't expecting anything terribly posh from a fast-food restaurant with the tag line "Great Food Served Schnappy." This is a bare-bones diner with uncomfortable booths and two flat-screen TVs for decor. You order at the front counter, and grab your own cutlery and drinks from the fridge. The meals are brought to your table.

Schnitzelz is a franchise with B.C. locations in Abbotsford and Langley. It was started by Jack Niemann, who founded the Black Forest Steak and Schnitzel House 40 years ago.

According to its website, the menu is based on the most popular recipes from Mr. Niemann's more formal restaurants, which now number 35.

How the Black Forest group has lasted so long and grown so large must be one of life's great mysteries. This was honestly the worst schnitzel I've ever eaten in my life (and I've tasted a lot).

The pork schnitzel plates cost $8.95 (add 95 cents for chicken) and come with a choice of potato, salad and various toppings.

The breading is advertised as tempura, but looks like crushed corn flakes. I suspect the cutlets are deep-fried because they were a) greasy, b) a consistent dark-brown colour and c) as tough as shoe leather.

The house specialties barely resemble the photographs mounted above the front counter. The unbearably salty Madagascar peppercorn sauce is flecked with not a single peppercorn or slightest whiff of spice.

Cordon bleu is not neatly stuffed with melted Swiss cheese and a thick layer of Black Forest ham. It is topped with a single slice of flavourless meat coated in a rubbery sludge of processed cheese, still clumped in strings.

Garlic mashed potatoes are lumpy, with no trace of garlic. The fries taste frozen and are tossed in a sodium-rich, red spice seasoning. Cucumber and waxed bean salad has no cucumber.

Schnitzelz's only saving grace is that it's licensed and the beer is cheap ($4.25 for a 16-ounce glass of Okanagan Spring 1516 Bavarian Lager or Sleeman Honey Brown).

Still hungry for a decent schnitzel, I decided to check out Transylvania Flavour Restaurant, which relocated last summer to West Broadway from Gastown.

Ah, this is the rib-sticking fare I was looking for, with cozy Old World charm to boot.

The tables are covered in white cloth, adorned with red-glass candles and tiny vases of wilting roses and sad little sprays of baby breath. It feels like Toronto, circa 1980. And I say that with great nostalgic respect.

The Knight's Platter ($45 for two), heaped with kebabs, cabbage rolls, perogies and polenta balls, sounds tempting. So does the tripe soup.

But we've come for the schnitzel. And it doesn't disappoint.

Transylvania has pork or chicken ($18 for dinner or $12 at lunch). The dinner version comes with two big cutlets, baked beets, steamed snap peas, ribbons of carrots cooked tender in a rich broth and the creamiest mashed potatoes I've ever inhaled.

The cutlets are cut thicker than average, but wonderfully moist. The breading doesn't bubble, but it is thin, crisp, nicely browned around the edges and not the least bit greasy.

My dish could have used a wedge of lemon for squeezing, but who's going to complain when the bill comes with complimentary raspberry-jam cookies topped with soft almond nougat?

I still think $18 is fairly expensive for schnitzel not made with veal. But I guess it's not 1980 any more.

Schnitzelz: 781 Denman St., 604-737-1715; Transylvania Flavour Restaurant: 2120 West Broadway St., 604-730-0880*****

Side dish

2005 Burgundy 'perfect'

The 2005 vintage in France is, by all accounts, one of the finest in generations, with some critics and winemakers going so far as to call it "perfect." The wines from Burgundy and the Rhone Valley are among the most coveted - and they're not all gone.

To help you cherry-pick the labels that have yet to be released, Marquis Wine Cellars has just published the third edition of its Burgundy & Rhone booklet, complete with tasting notes and scores.

The wines are available in limited quantities and a few of the higher-end domaines such Clos des Lambrays Grand Cru have already sold out, but at least 75 per cent of the featured wines are still available. Copies and order forms can be downloaded at marquis-wines.com or picked up in person: 1034 Davie St., 604-684-0445.Friday lunch is back

And it's anything but traditional. Perhaps inspired by Boneta (1 West Cordova; 604-684-1844) and its popular end of week lunch, a number of local restaurants are trying to entice diners with salute the weekend specials.

Fuel Restaurant (1994 Fourth Avenue West; 604-288-7905) celebrates Thank God It's Fried Chicken Friday from now until the end of summer. The $18 meal includes a plate of organic Polderside chicken, marinated in buttermilk and fried up crispy, with a weekly changing side dish and glass of R&B cream ale.

For multitasking fashionistas, Aurora Bistro (2420 Main St.; 604-873-9944) is teaming up with Lark Fashion Salon for Tailored Lunch Fridays. The meal starts at Lark, where you can preorder your starter and entrée while simultaneously shopping and enjoying a complimentary amuse bouche. After crossing the street to the restaurant, your meal will be served within minutes and your purchases later hand-delivered with a dark chocolate bar tucked in the shopping bag. The special costs $20 (clothing not included).

Alexandra Gill