The question
Every Christmas for the past 15 years, my husband and I have hosted Christmas dinner three times. Once for his parents, who do not want to socialize with anyone but us, once for my mother and stepfather, and once for my father and stepmother. Each dinner also has all the cousins involved from each side, and my siblings at two of the meals. This year, we have decided it is too much work. We have told our families that we are having just one dinner, and everyone is invited. Now my husband's parents are saying they'd rather not attend. His mother feels uncomfortable socializing with people she doesn't know well. She's quite serious and has a difficult time making small talk. I feel bad for her, but hosting all these dinners leaves us exhausted. Should we host a second dinner just for them, or stick to our guns hoping they change their minds?
The answer
First off, I apologize for likely responding to your question too late for this season – our production schedule meant I couldn't address it earlier. But it's such an interesting dilemma, I'd still like to offer my advice, even if it has to hold for the next family gathering.
First thing I'll say is, I'm exhausted just hearing about it all.
I find the whole "festive season" exhausting and way too drawn-out. It started out as a day – well, a day and an "eve." When did it become a whole season?
I can't be festive for a whole season! I want to work until the last minute. Get stuff done. And when it's all finally over on Boxing Day, the last thing I want to do is charge back out there and battle the crowds again, to the tune of piped-in Muzak, for more stuff.
Does that make me a Scrooge? If it does, I wear the badge with pride. My favourite line in, I think, all world literature is when two portly gentlemen barge into Scrooge's shop and, presenting him with charitable credentials, make some allusion to Scrooge's "liberality."
"At the ominous word 'liberality,' Scrooge frowned, shook his head, and handed back the credentials." Later he says to them: "It is enough for a man to know his own business, and not interfere with other people's. Mine occupies me constantly. Good afternoon!"
Exactly. My business occupies me constantly. I don't have time for long, drawn-out carryings-on.
And throwing a dinner party for a great bristling horde of people takes the better part of two days, I've found. One to shop and prepare; another one – or, at least, a morning – to clean up. And they're expensive! Why don't more people talk about that? Especially chez nous, where my wife basically has to renovate the entire house before people can come over.
So no: I don't think you should feel in any way obliged to hold a special dinner for your mother-in-law just because she has an aversion to small talk.
I do understand her plight. I'm a bit that way myself. As a writer, I spend my days filling up blank pages. It's a real "busman's holiday" for me then to go to a party and talk to someone who won't return the ball. Like at a holiday party recently, a friend of mine and I were throwing everything we had at this dude: observations, anecdotes, asides. He just nodded. Afterward, I felt punched in the soul. I had to lie down.
But it's part of the deal this time of year. Tell your mother-in-law that. Also, I found it odd when you say your mother-in-law doesn't like to "socialize" with people "she doesn't know well."
Two things about that: First, it's more than just "socializing" when you're talking about family. It's a meeting of the clan – a show of solidarity.
Secondly, if she indeed does not know members of the family well, and therefore feels uncomfortable around them, what better way to become acquainted with them than to come to your house for a family dinner?
Tell her that, too. In fact, I would not only "stick to your guns" and hope she shows up, but actually mount a vigorous attempt to get her to come.
Tell her she doesn't need to make small talk, she can converse about serious subjects or just sit in the corner. The family just wants her there, her presence.
If she still refuses, well, then, I suppose you could go out with her and her husband, or maybe suggest having dinner at their house. Why is that not on the table, so to speak?
Basically, I wouldn't encourage this type of divalicious behaviour. The holidays aren't all about her and her eccentricities. If you've invited her to dinner at your house and she decides not to show up for whatever reason, that's her call.