If John Bartlett were alive today, he might spend his days compiling quotations for TMZ. But he’s not, so we had to do the heavy lifting. Herewith, some choice celebrity sound-bites of 2014:
Maybe he watched a Disney film?
I’m very, very depressed.
Quentin Tarantino announces he is postponing his latest project, The Hateful Eight, after the script is leaked, Jan. 21
So you’re saying size matters?
If only Bradley’s arm was longer.
Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres, discovering the limitations of a selfie, March 2
If I answer, will you show me where you put the vodka?
Why are you here? What good can come of this?
U.S. talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel chuckles as he commences his grilling of Toronto mayor Rob Ford, March 3
Local etymologist shows his playful side
What the f*** is the difference between ‘yeah’ and ‘yes?’
Canadian darling Justin Bieber is brought Down to Earth by a lawyer’s questions while giving a deposition during an assault case, March 6
Goopy Coldplay makes gloppy wordplay
We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.
Notorious wallflowers Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow announce they are divorcing (we think), March 26
Also because she saw you on MTV grinding your pelvis into Miley Cyrus’s rear end
I told my wife the truth. That’s why she left me.
Blurred Lines singer Robin Thicke, consciously uncoupling from wife Paula Patton, rethinks that whole “honesty is the best policy” thing, April 23
It’s not erratic if she behaves like that all the time
The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behaviour throughout the evening are simply false.
Jay-Z, Beyoncé and her sister Solange issue a damage-control statement insisting Solange’s TMZ-captured elevator beat-down of Jay-Z was part of just another night in the Knowles-Carter family, May 15
They say hindsight is 20/20
So this interview has gone very badly. You have to edit and cut half of what I’ve said, because it’s going to make me sound like a bigot.
In a June interview with Playboy magazine, Gary Oldman hits for the cycle – defending Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitism and Alec Baldwin’s homophobia, insulting the Pope, and calling the Golden Globes “meaningless.”
Hey, guys, would it be inappropriate to compare it to slavery, too?
The red carpet feels like a war zone, except you cannot fly or fight; you just have to stand there and take it.
12 Years a Slave Oscar-winner Lupita Nyong’o shows why it’s never a bad idea to vet your comments through a publicist, June 19
But first a high-school biology lesson would be good
If I could spit out a litter of kids, I would.
Newlywed Blake Lively alarms hubby Ryan Reynolds about her desire for a large family, Aug. 15
With friends like those …
Even people who I know and love say, ‘Oh, yeah, I looked at the pictures.’
Hack-attack victim Jennifer Lawrence, Oct. 7
Or, you know, maybe not so mild
We joked about our relations being like a mild form of Fifty Shades of Grey or a story from Lynn Coady’s Giller Prize-winning book last year.
Literary critic Jian Ghomeshi’s infamous Facebook cri de coeur, Oct. 26
AGH!
@Lynn_Coady, Oct. 26
Um, thanks?
And by the way, if you were a little kid and never looked at another little kid’s vagina, well, congrats to you.
Girls creator and voice-of-a-generation Lena Dunham demonstrates her trademark restraint as she tries to explain away some youthful indiscretions, Nov. 1
They are never, ever getting back together
We hope she’ll change her mind and join us in building a new music economy that works for everyone.
Open letter to Taylor Swift from Spotify, after the singer dumped the music-streaming service and left it weeping in the school gymnasium, Nov. 3
And by ‘world,’ she means ‘globes’
I love sharing my world with people.
Reality-TV star Kim Kardashian makes comments to Paper magazine that nobody read because they didn’t get past the cover showing off her assets, Nov. 11
That’s one lucky fruit
Not long ago I was playing guitar on the streets of Santa Barbara for maybe 20 bucks a day & an avocado.
Guacamole aficionado Katy Perry tweets that she’ll be the halftime act for the 2015 Super Bowl, Nov. 24
Alas, the fat itself stays
The cynicism and crap that comes along with being a fat, middle-aged man goes away in the face of the trailer.
Star Wars geek Kevin Smith reacts to the first trailer for The Force Awakens, Nov. 28
Nobel Prize-winning adorableness
I am pretty certain that I am also the first recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize who still fights with her younger brothers.
Malala Yousafzai, Dec. 10
Relax, Kim Jong-un loved This Is 40
Will they pull any movie that gets an anonymous threat now?
Writer-director Judd Apatow tweets his displeasure at Sony Pictures yanking The Interview, Dec. 17