So your brother got a car when he turned 16 and you didn't. And you spent your teen years fighting with him about it and just about everything else.
According to new research, if your parents had a solid reason for the unequal car rules, such as the proximity of part-time jobs, and had made those reasons clear, they might have spared you a lot of sibling angst.
Most parents treat their children unequally - but don't admit it to themselves, let alone their kids, according to researchers from two U.S. universities who tracked 74 families.
When kids perceive unequal treatment and don't understand it, families run into trouble, says researcher Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois who worked with two other researchers from the University of Missouri.
"Kids aren't in a position to appreciate why parents treat their kids differently," Prof. Kramer says.
"They don't have all the information or they don't have an adult perspective."
But if children recognize the different behaviour as being warranted, there's no negative effect on family relationships. Siblings who have a shared understanding of why parents treat them differently actually get along better, Prof. Kramer says.
But most families struggle with clear communication. In almost two thirds of families surveyed, not everyone understood the family dynamic in the same way.
The study was released last week and published in the journal Social Development.
It was conducted with 74 two-parent, middle-class families with one child between the ages of 11 and 13 and a sibling two to four years older. Each member was interviewed individually about family interactions, then the data were compared.
"Family members are all over the place," Prof. Kramer says. Parents aren't in the habit of explaining preferential or different treatment, she adds.
One reason they may be disinclined to talk to their kids about the issue is the enduring ethos of equality. Parents may feel guilty about not treating kids equally. But Prof. Kramer says equality is a parenting goal best discarded.
A colleague of hers, for instance, grew up in a family with four siblings. Treating everyone the same was a goal, so at holiday time they'd all receive the same sweater, no matter what their age, gender or style.
"It was not acceptable from the parents' view to make things different. But kids expect to be treated differently in different situations."
Even circumstantial differences can take on more significance than parents realize. Kids may not understand that you have more time to talk to one of your children merely because of the hours spent shuttling that child to karate class, for example.
One approach could be: "Say, 'I get more time to talk to Johnny about what's going on with him for school when we're in the car together. I'd really like to find time to talk to you, too.' Kids just need to feel that their individual needs are being understood by parents," Prof. Kramer says.
Toronto teen Harriet Duke says she can't help but notice that her parents treat her very differently than they do her 12-year-old sister Katie.
"It's not that they baby her more, but they do watch over her more than they did when I was 12," the 16-year-old says. "She relies on them more and talks to them more than I have ever done."
But Ms. Duke says that because her parents have talked to her about the situation, she's not jealous that they spend more time together and seem to have a more intimate relationship.
"They say we have different personalities," she says. "I think they think she is more needy. I'm close with my parents, but not in the same way."
