“The dads I interviewed, when I went into their homes, they didn’t care if there was a shirt on the floor. They didn’t feel like I was going to judge them for that, and I didn’t.”
House chores weren’t a problem for Mr. Smith, who spent a year at home with his son Liko after his wife Olli went back to teaching in 2005. (“I’m cleaner than my wife,” he said.)
Mr. Smith decided to write the book after a relative sent the entire family an e-mail “expressing her disapproval for me being [Liko’s] primary caregiver and not going back to work.”
Suzanne Riss, editor-in-chief of Working Mother magazine, said that even if a househusband does the job well, “it’s not as though everyone is going to look at them with great admiration.”
“There’s the whole issue of how are all the relatives looking at it, what do the in-laws think, what do the neighbours think,” she said. “There’s a lot of societal pressure when people are doing things in a way that their own parents didn’t.”
That includes tacit suggestions to job hunt, said Frank Duff, a writer who lives in Philadelphia with his wife Erika, who works as an exhibit prototyper.
“From time to time, someone on one side of the family or another will ask me if I’m looking for work,” said Mr. Duff, who grew up in Ontario.
“If the right thing came up, I’d take it. But I really don’t feel like this is a situation that warrants looking too hard for a way out of. Househusband is a good gig.”
Before the couple’s daughter Freya was born three weeks ago, Mr. Duff’s routine went like this: As his wife showered, he made breakfast and packed her a lunch; during the day he’d run errands and write, then start on dinner.
Now, all three are at home, “just learning to be a family.”
“We each do our part and it doesn’t matter at all to us whether those parts are equal. We’re just happy to be together.”
Mr. Smith said that’s one thing couples often forget: to be grateful they have each other, in any capacity. “Many couples can’t. They can’t articulate what they’re gaining.”
Making it work
House husbands may be a growing breed, but the role reversal can spark resentment when the socks aren’t paired up right. Experts offer their tips to avoid shattered nerves:
Hand over the spatula
“A lot of working moms can be controlling about these things. You do need to give up control,” said Suzanne Riss, editor-in-chief of Working Mother magazine. “He may not do laundry or load the dishwasher the way you do it. You have to recognize that this is a different person - he’s going to do things differently. Let him find his way and do it the way he’s comfortable.”
Avoid dictator-speak
“Sit down and discuss what needs to be done together and decide who should do what, so it’s not like one person is ordering the other around,” Ms. Riss said.
Daddy in the deep end
“I often get asked how can women get fathers to do more?” said Jeremy Adam Smith, author of The Daddy Shift. “I’m like, ‘Walk away.’ “
Say it to his face
“Instead of behaving in a way that’s passive-aggressive and snitty, and talking dirt about your spouse behind their back with your girlfriends, it’s much better to go to your spouse and say, ‘Honey, this is driving me crazy,’ “ Mr. Smith said.
Thank you please
Showing appreciation, Ms. Riss says, is “a two-way street,” from a husband’s rubbery pork chops to a wife’s overtime.
“I found it was very important for the wife to appreciate what she was able to get in being able to focus on her career,” said Mr. Smith. “Likewise, the father needs to be able to say those things, too. Say it aloud – don’t hide it away.”
