In early July, Scott Fortnum's kids discovered baby mice in the garage of their Innisfil, Ont., home. Fascinated by the tiny creatures, Marshall, 11, and Tessa, 8 committed themselves to the rodents' care, vowing to rise every two hours to feed them. When they weren't looking, the 44-year-old dad moved the rodents to the field behind their house where their chance of survival was slim. He told the kids he'd taken them to the Humane Society where professionals could care for them.
“It was a lie to save us huge amounts of time that we didn't have and to save them from being very upset,” he says.
The “lies” he tells his kids are meant to protect them from damaging information or from hurt feelings. Others are clearly told in jest, such as the grandiose claim that he went to high school with the tooth fairy.
Parents shouldn't feel badly about the lies they tell their kids, especially if they're told to teach them how to be polite, respectful citizens, says Paul Ekman, a psychologist and director of the Paul Ekman group, which counsels organizations on emotional skills and lying.
“You need to talk to your kids about what kind of lies matter,” he says. Teaching social graces involves modelling a few white lies. If your kid catches you lying to your neighbour, ask them how you could have handled the situation without lying, he suggests.
Kids naturally learn the acceptable untruths as they get older, says Terry Carson, a certified parenting coach in Toronto.
“Children in that pre-school and toddler group don't always understand the difference between lying and fantasy,” she says. “And so when parents get on this high horse and say, ‘There's no lying in this house,' they have to be clear that the child understands the difference.”
Ms. Catana, for one, stands behind the lies she tells. The paradox of ‘do as I say, not as I do' doesn't keep her up at night either.
“I would never lie to hurt them, anything would always be for the preservation of their innocence,” she says. “I would hope that by the time they're old enough, to make that differentiation and understand the reasoning behind it.”
Harmless?
The White Lie: “Doesn't Aunt Molly's new perm look great?”
Intended effect: Teaching children to be polite. Kids also often overhear white lies parents tell to other adults, such as telling the telemarketer that dad isn't home.
Actual effect: Kids will usually start telling white lies themselves, believing it's the nice thing to do.
The ‘Do What I Say or Else' Lie, aka ‘the idle threat': “If you don't brush your teeth, all of your molars will fall out.”
Intended effect: Making the kids believe something undesirable will happen so they'll behave.
Actual effect: They'll usually believe the parent and comply, though might become unreasonably afraid of the threatened consequence.
The Confidence Boosting Lie: “You're such a good writer!”
Intended effect: Making the child feel good, without having to discuss how they can improve.
Actual effect: Kids might take it as encouragement and an unspoken cue to keep improving. Or they'll think they're great and hold false beliefs about their abilities which will set them up for disappointment in the long run.
The Protective Lie: “The cat must've run away.”
Intended Effect: Instead of revealing that kitty was hit by a car, this lie protects the child's feelings, innocence and allows parents to save the tough conversations for another time, such as when the child is old enough to understand.
Actual Effect: Child usually perks up, but might have more follow-up questions which would force the parent to make the lie even more elaborate.
Sarah Boesveld
