Narcissistic parents can give their children a lifetime of self-doubt and self-criticism, says author Nina Brown.
A narcissist is someone who needs admiration, lacks empathy and has an inflated sense of their own importance. While only about 1 per cent of the population has actual narcissistic personality disorder, many people can exhibit related behaviours – and some researchers believe these traits are on the rise thanks to our culture of endless self-esteem boosting.
When narcissists become parents, it can have a poisonous effect on their children, says Nina Brown, a professor in the department of counselling and human services at Old Dominion University in Virginia. Dealing with such a parent can be incredibly frustrating, she says, especially as children become more responsible for parents as they age.
After hearing endless complaints about the hardships of dealing with aging, narcissistic parents, Brown was prompted to write her new book, Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed, published in August by New Harbinger Publications, Inc. She advises that anyone hoping such a parent will change should know they'll likely become worse. The first step to overcoming your frustration is accepting that they'll never see the error of their ways. If you're looking for thanks, don't bother.
Brown spoke with The Globe and Mail about how these parents hurt their children, and the best ways to manage the relationship.
What are some of the behaviours and attitudes that are red flags for narcissism?
A big one is a lack of empathy. They want to be considered unique and special. They have an inappropriate sense of humour. They can exploit others. The only emotion they seem to be able to express is going to be anger. You really get that one a lot. Usually they get the conversation around to them, even if they're talking about someone else.
Does it get worse as the person gets older?
It becomes more distilled as their world shrinks and as they develop more worries and physical ailments. They become more focused on their needs in all aspects of their lives, and they become less empathic, if that's possible. They want the child to give up any semblance of having another life and totally devote themselves to the parent.
How do parents such as this affect kids?
They give them a lifetime of self-doubt and self-criticism. They make it hard for the child to become an independent person.
Do people usually confront their parents eventually, or do most of them shy away from that conversation?
People do confront the parent, and that is one thing I recommend you do not do. You end up feeling worse than you did before you started. They turn it back on you and show you how you are inadequate and ungrateful. Confronting them, as far as I'm concerned, it's not going to work. They cannot see it. That's the hardest thing for the grown-up child to understand: The parent cannot see this.
Then how do you deal with a parent like this?
The first task is to accept that the parent is not going to change. They're not going to become empathic. They're not going to believe what you tell them so they [don't] see a need to change. Then you have to decide, "What kind of relationship can we have that is at least cordial and without too much dissension?"
How do people create that kind of relationship?
They can limit contact. They can have it so that they can interact with the parent but around topics that are non-controversial, where they won't be criticized or made to feel at a disadvantage.
If you're an adult who has a parent like this, how do you explain your parent's behaviour to your own family and children?
It's awkward, and I don't know that it's necessary. What you have to remember is that different people will experience that parent in different ways. You really shouldn't say, "This is the way the parent is," but more something like, "Sometimes adults just don't get along and we think it's better to limit contact."
What's the best-case scenario anyone can hope for?
The best that we could probably expect is that you can become tolerant and understanding of them and what they may be experiencing. And don't get sucked in to their blame and criticism.
Dave McGinn