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My friend froze me out of her wedding party. Should I even go? Add to ...

The question

A very close, dear friend of mine has chosen other people for her wedding party. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I’ve always stood by her. She’s selected her family, and confusingly two other seemingly random people. I always thought we were peas in a pod, so this totally caught me off guard and hurt my feelings, and caused me to wonder how good a friendship we actually have. She takes no interest in my life now, and only plans “couple’s nights” out. She’s told me she didn’t want to have to pick between me and another friend, but has also hinted she’s unimpressed with my singledom, weight and smaller income level. She has gone on about the importance of me being there, but I can’t help but feel slighted. I’m starting to wonder if I should go to the wedding. How should I deal with this?

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The answer

By sucking it up, getting over yourself, going to the wedding, and having fun.

Who cares what your status within the hierarchy of the event is? Weddings are a ball, and soon enough you’ll be older and you won’t be invited to so many and you’ll miss them.

Anyway, you’re being a bit of a Friendzilla. In my opinion, it’s rude not to go to a wedding you’ve been invited to, for any reason other than you can’t make it (asterisk: or it’s one of these “destination weddings” and you can’t afford it), but especially if your poopy-diaper reason is you weren’t asked to be part of the wedding party.

I’ve said this before, but I guess it bears repeating (I’m going for a Lao Tzu-like aphoristic feel here, though I’m aware it might come off as Yoda-ish): “One’s spiritual development may be measured by the extent to which one realizes that unless one is the bride or groom, the wedding really isn’t about … one.”

Okay. Lao Tzu I’m not, but the point is: This isn’t about you! It’s about her and him trying to make a go of a lifetime together, and you are there to witness and support their solemn vows, scarf some coconut shrimp and lamb lollipops, washed down with the beverage of your choice, then shake it like a Polaroid picture on the dance floor.

Oh, and maybe meet some dude. Weddings are a great place for that, as everyone knows, and by your own testimonial you’re single, so why not go simply for selfish reasons? Dirty-dance some inebriated groomsman then push him into a broom closet. Could be the start of a beautiful relationship!

Having said all that, I think you’re quite right to wonder if the bride-to-be is as “close” and “dear” a friend as you think. My guess is she does have her reasons for not including you in her wedding party, and just doesn’t want to come out and tell you what they are.

If I peer even more closely at the tea leaves I feel like I, Yodalicious Swami Dave, can even sense the shadowy contours of her possible problem with you. I mean, I look at a statement like, “I’ve always stood by her even when she wasn’t at her best,” and see classic passive-aggressive frenemy sophistry. I can almost see you “defending” her to her other frenemies while gleefully sticking pins in the voodoo doll of her character.

Of course it’d be a shame if you were right, if she were “unimpressed,” as you eloquently put it, by your singledom, weight and poorness. In that case, obviously, she’s not much of a friend.

Far more likely, though, is one of the “downs” of your “ups and downs” rankled and stuck with her and she had a hard time getting over it and now you’re cooling your skate-heels in her personal penalty box.

If that is the case, I would approach her, way down the road, long after the Champagne bubbles have popped, the rental tuxes been returned and the honeymoon tans have faded, and ask her what you’ve done to be demoted from Most Favoured BFF status to merely part of her social life.

When faced with a humble, heartfelt plea like that, my bet is she tells you, straight up. It might sting at first, but if you swallow your pride and listen to what she says then you can begin the process of reparations.

In the meantime, show her, by taking the high road, going to the wedding and cheering her on in you-go-girl type fashion, what a good, unselfish friend you can be. Do all this, and maybe she’ll make you a bridesmaid at her next wedding.

What am I supposed to do now?

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