Edgar, a sparkly New York socialite, was known for the engrossing tales he’d spin for guests at fundraisers he seemed to host nightly. In reality, the man would spend much of the day ahead of each party jotting down anecdotes on index cards, a nervous habit he’d developed in college.
Edgar the social maven was actually a closet introvert: “I’d much rather sit and read and think about things than talk to people,” he told Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.
Studies suggest one out of every two or three people are introverts, but just like animals that carry shelter everywhere they go, many of us are “pseudo-extroverts” – introverts faking it through the social crush of modern life. Often overlooked or branded as “shy,” introverts have long been up against the “extrovert ideal,” which rewards the brash at school, at the office and at cocktail parties.
But it wasn’t always this way. The 1900s saw a shift away from a “culture of character” to one of personality, much of it aligned with the rise of the salesman. The move from morals to magnetism has changed forever “who we are and whom we admire, how we act at job interviews and what we look for in an employee, how we court our mates and raise our children,” Ms. Cain writes.
The former corporate lawyer – and introvert – spoke with The Globe and Mail from New York City.
Carl Jung said there are no pure introverts or extroverts – those people would be psychopaths.
Some people fall in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum. They are what psychologists would call “ambiverts.” Sometimes they’re pulled in one direction outward and sometimes in the other direction inward. You’re never all one thing.
So introverts aren’t necessarily shy?
This is a huge misconception. Introversion is just a preference for quieter, more minimally stimulating environments. Shyness is a fear of social judgment. Shy extroverts, that might be the most difficult combination. You want to be with a crowd but you’re afraid of how the crowd is judging you.
Who has higher self-esteem, extroverts or introverts?
In general extroverts tend to have higher self-esteem, but I don’t think that that is intrinsic to extroversion. Introverts are sent a message from a very early age that they should always strive to be more outgoing. Since I do believe that introversion and extroversion are as core to our identities as gender, it’s a powerfully disabling thing to be sent the message that there’s something wrong with that preference.
You describe extroverts as the risk-takers, gamblers, attention-seekers and cheaters, and introverts as the solid friends, the big thinkers. Would extroverts find this book insulting?
I’m not trying to take anything away from extroverts; I find it to be a very appealing personality style. I’m saying that we have a two-tier class system when it comes to personality style. To devalue introversion is a waste of talent, energy and happiness.
You write about “restorative niches,” for instance Victorian women taking time alone in the afternoons between social callers.
That’s something most people need – even extroverts need it. We live in a society that so prizes the person who’s on the go, we feel guilty for taking those respites. I believe texting is so popular because it’s a way of connecting without having to be ‘on.’
You write that social media is a world in which “the pressure to entertain, to sell ourselves and never to be visibly anxious keeps ratcheting up.” How do introverts deal with that?
It cuts both ways. Mainstream social media platforms like Facebook are becoming places for extroverts, according to research. You are accumulating a large number of friends, it’s a place to exchange snippets of information as opposed to longer sustained conversations. On the other hand, social media can be used by introverts in ways that they might not be comfortable with interacting in real life.
Introverts and extroverts are often attracted to each other. Where do the conflicts arise?
The introvert comes home from work, they’ve had to be on all day and now they want to sit in an armchair and stare into space for a little bit. An extrovert comes home craving reconnection to their partner. When the partner can’t give them that, they understandably feel abandoned. The only way to bridge it is for each to understand where the other is coming from and make allowances.
