What are “free trait” agreements?
Here, maybe it’s an agreement that you’ll go out some of the time but then the introverted partner gets to stay home the rest of the time. And there’s not going to be guilt or recrimination.
Sounds like marital compromise.
It’s the new language for marital compromise, a new form of understanding of what’s happening.
Introverts also fear and loathe small talk at the office and at dinner parties. Why?
They’re just not constitutionally designed for it. There are a million little things going on in small talk: Introverts have been found to be not as good at processing that rapid-fire onslaught of information. They’re much better at intellectual situations where you can focus on one subject. Recent research findings suggest that, actually, nobody likes small talk and everybody’s happier if they have real conversations.
At work you mention extroverts are showy and efficient; they’re often driven by status. Introverts, meanwhile, are slow and deliberate. Is that methodical process mistaken for lack of ambition or, worse, laziness?
Absolutely. The way you display your work or your ambition can often be misperceived. I interviewed [three-time Olympic gold medalist] Marnie McBean recently, this very dynamic, firecracker extrovert. She said that when she was first paired with Kathleen Heddle, a quietly steely, determined introvert, she was very upset and actually asked her coach to give her a different partner. She thought Kathleen was not up to snuff. Her coach said, ‘You do realize that Kathleen is the best rower on the team, and she’s even better than you, Marnie.’ She hadn’t realized that because she was so attuned to outside displays of ambition, competitiveness and fieriness, and Kathleen wasn’t displaying any of those. I’d advise [introverts] that they might take some of their hard work and think about ways of drawing attention to themselves, ways that are comfortable for them.
Office culture is geared toward extroverts, you write. Introverts don’t exactly get “jazzed up” over open concept cubicles, lunchtime birthday parties or team-building exercises.
Introverts loathe those things. Extrovert managers will often stage these events to build morale and make everybody feel appreciated, but it may backfire.
Ultimately you say you’re offering the introverted reader “a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself.” That can mean staying at home on New Year's Eve or crossing the street to “avoid making aimless chit-chat with random acquaintances.”
Most introverts aren’t aware of how they are constantly spending their time in ways that they would prefer not to be. They’ve been doing it all their lives, so it just becomes second nature. I’m trying to give people entitlement inside their own minds to be who they are.
Is there a fear among introverts that if they do this enough they’ll alienate everyone?
I’m not saying “to hell with everybody around me.” In the case of an introvert married to an extrovert, you absolutely need to honour the needs of your extroverted partner. I’m saying start understanding that your own needs are legitimate. Then you can negotiate a balance between your own needs and those of the people you care about.
You also call for a greater balance of power between introverts and extroverts in society. Is that likely to happen?
I think we’re still in the grip of the extrovert ideal, but I also see signs of change all around me. The interest that we’ve seen in yoga, meditation and simplicity, all of that is a marker of a culture-wide longing for more quiet in our lives than we’re usually permitted. With the advent of the Web, there’s been are tremendous profusion of people talking about this. There’s a movement that’s growing, and we’ll be hearing about it more and more.
Do you have any restorative niches yourself?
When I’m at parties I go to the bathroom whether I need to or not just to feel quiet. I’m lucky now in my current life as a writer that my work in a way is one gigantic restorative niche, but I really like to work in libraries or in cafes because I like to feel the presence of other people around me but be able to also be in my own space.
This interview has been condensed and edited.
