The question:
I'm a 45-year-old male and entirely heterosexual. This past Halloween, my wife and I attended a costume party. With her encouragement, I went in drag - makeup, wig, heels - and had an incredible time. I was amazed at the number of women who spoke with me, and the guys who asked what it was like to be dressed up. I'd like to experiment with this some more, but my wife thinks I enjoyed myself too much. How can I help her understand?
Dear Dressed and Confused,
The coarse assumption is that once a man takes to the act of dressing up, his unregenerate heterosexuality mysteriously slips through his fingers. This is, of course, untrue. Your night in drag opened up the world around you; both men and women approached. You were, as a performer often is, an exaggerated, gilded version of yourself: confident, playful, wholly alluring. Of course you would like to reprise the effect.
Why does your wife feel threatened by your new curiosity? An unexpected part of you emerged that night, a side of you that through all your married years she may never have guessed lay dormant. Now, in her panic, she is teleporting herself to a future wherein you are always in nylons and rouge. The tone of your letter suggests this is not the case at all. You want to play, experiment, be a hobbyist. This is not a fetish you need to incorporate into your sex play; it is a pastime. There is a difference - especially in terms of accommodating it in your marriage.
How to proceed? The great defuser in every relationship is communication.
"I think the key is finding out the motives behind the cross-dressing," says Teesha Morgan, a sex therapist, clinical counsellor and educator. "Does he find the practice alluring because he was the centre of attention from both sexes, because he found a new mode of gender expression or a new mode of sexual expression? Pinpointing the reasons himself may help him to better articulate his feelings and desires to his wife, and help her understand why he enjoys the behaviour."
Dressed and Confused, take an inventory. When you say that you want "to experiment," what does that entail? Continue to be boldly honest with yourself. Have a transparent dialogue with your wife. Only then will you be able to "help her understand." Whether she accepts your help will be her decision.
Claudia Dey is the author of How to Be a Bush Pilot: A Field Guide to Getting Luckier.
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