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In this image from video provided by The Today Show, Janay Rice, left, and her mother Candy Palmer are interviewed by Matt Lauer.The Associated Press

"I did not raise a young lady to be an abused woman," Candy Palmer explained with an "edge" in her voice, speaking with the Today Show's Matt Lauer.

On Monday, Palmer and her daughter Janay Rice spoke out together about the attack Rice suffered at the hands of her husband Ray Rice in an elevator this past Valentine's Day. A surveillance camera caught the former Baltimore Ravens running back knocking his then fiancée unconscious.

In the Today interview, mother and daughter spoke about the incident and the heated controversy surrounding Rice's decision to defend her husband. That interview has spawned more public debate about domestic-violence victims. The exchange was uncomfortable to watch, but one bit stood out in particular. Even as she remains a supportive wife as her husband's potent violence is on display for the world to see, Rice vehemently told Lauer: "I wouldn't allow anybody to disrespect me, especially a man I'm in a relationship with."

"I don't come from that," Rice added, with her mother chiming in, "She was taught better than that."

There was a troubling and rather classist message here: that some types of women get hit and others don't; that some parenting styles yield vulnerability in a woman and others shield her from it – the endpoint of the argument being that abused women are reared by their mothers to be abused, and to stay. By that twisted logic, Palmer would be guilty of bad parenting. Which is ludicrous: The only guilty party here is Ray Rice, who, seemingly irritated, dragged his wife's limp body just part way out of the elevator after he knocked her out.

Her family's complicity in Monday's televised interview was the latest in a string of controversial moments for Janay Rice, who has steadfastly stood by her man since the assault in February. One day after Ray Rice was indicted for aggravated assault, the two married. Later, in May, she appeared at a press conference where she expressed regret for her "role" in the incident. (She did take the Today Show opportunity to reveal that the National Football League had encouraged this apology and even handed her a "general script.") After TMZ released the more graphic video footage and the NFL suspended her husband, Rice was again on the defensive, taking to Instagram to decry the public reaction: "Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is!" she wrote.

Rice's case has revealed how the public reacts when domestic assault victims don't follow the hopeful storyline of realization, escape, catharsis and independence. For some, Rice is a difficult, even inconvenient victim, much like the singer Rihanna was when she forgave her ex Chris Brown after he beat her. It's a complicated dynamic to wade through without sounding paternalistic, as The Cut's Kat Stoeffel put it about her feelings toward Rihanna after she made up with her abuser.

Feminists have shied away from criticizing Rice, the sentiment being that you don't blame the victim; you respect her and leave her alone, even as her story is "chilling and at times confusing," wrote Jezebel's Hillary Crosley. Feminists are playing the story straight without really delving into the more troubling messages coming from the family. "If Janay Rice has spoken, we should feel compelled to listen," wrote Salon's Katie McDonough, arguing that Rice has now gained agency and control over her narrative.

"Sometimes you just want to get your side out and you want to be heard," Beverly Gooden, a writer who created the popular #WhyIStayed anti-domestic violence movement after TMZ released the second video, said in an interview from Charlotte, N.C. "We have to let victims of violence have the autonomy to make the decision themselves. Even if we don't like what they're saying we have to respect their process. She could be right at the beginning of a process. We don't know where she is."

Gooden believes that while it is empowering for Rice to finally speak out, the family's comments about abuse and upbringing are highly problematic. "No one raises their child to be an abused person," she said. "It sent a message that, 'Here's my daughter and here are abused women. I didn't raise her to be an abused woman.' It's victim-shaming and victim-blaming, as if there is a type of person that can be abused. It can happen to anyone."

Speaking of Palmer's comments, Gooden said: "She's in defensive mode. She's not only defending her daughter, but she's defending her parenting. That's where the dissonance comes in. She wants to show America that she is a good parent. The goodness of your parenting has nothing to do with an abusive man. Remove yourself from that equation and focus on the issue and what happened."

With her #WhyIStayed hashtag on Twitter, Gooden, herself a survivor of domestic violence, wanted to give people a platform to tell the story of why they hadn't simply run away, right away, from abusive spouses. For three years, she had trouble self-identifying as a victim. She gave up on her marriage in 2010 when her husband woke up, pushed her out of bed and punched her because she had left a dish in the sink. But that waiting game is common for women facing domestic violence, said Gooden: "I thought it was a problem in my marriage that I could fix. …You don't just turn love off. You grow up hearing that love can conquer all."

Rice's narrative remains one of "love and forgiveness," wrote McDonough. She refuses to watch the second, more violent video which shows the actual punch. On the day TMZ released the footage, she texted everybody close to her, "The video's out. I would ask you not to watch it," according to a November interview with ESPN's Jemele Hill. "I still find it hard to accept being called a 'victim,' " Rice told Hill then.

That disconnect is common, says Gooden. Arguably more tricky is Rice's conviction, made on the Today Show, that, "God chose me and Ray for a reason" – to highlight the issue of domestic violence to the masses. But as long as Rice seeks to distance herself from other abused women, that's going to be a hard sell: You can't be a spokesperson for a problem you're reluctant to acknowledge having experienced.

The family was firm on one point: There would be no "next time," no more abuse, Palmer told Lauer.

"To that I'd say, how do you know?" said Gooden.

After the NFL terminated Ray Rice's contract in September, the running back appealed the suspension. Last week, he won, with an arbitrator ruling that the league had acted improperly in banning him and ordering him reinstated. While most victims of domestic violence remain isolated with their aggressors, all eyes will be on the football player, who is reportedly undergoing counselling.

"Most victims, it's just him and I. No one's really watching them," said Gooden. "Ray has a heightened level of accountability now."

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