THE QUESTION
Is it too late to tell my 77-year-old brother to smarten up and to get in touch with his 45-year-old son?
My brother is an opinionated, bossy person, one who thinks he's always right and is intolerant to suggestions he might even possibly be wrong.
I have a tenuous relationship with him and a good relationship with the son, who says he has "had it" with his father's behaviour.
They live a long way apart from each other and from me. My brother can't be long for this earth and it might be good for both father and son if he could do a mea culpa before he fades to black. How do I proceed?
THE ANSWER
Please allow me to begin with a (slightly bowdlerized: he uses saltier verbiage than "mess you up") quote from the English poet Philip Larkin: "They mess you up, your mum and dad/They may not mean to, but they do/They fill you with the faults they had/And add some extra just for you/ … Man hands on misery to man/It deepens like a coastal shelf/Get out as early as you can/And don't have any kids yourself."
Nota bene: I do not personally agree with any of the above sentiments (about which more later). But it's true that here at Damage Control HQ (located in a fortified bunker deep in an unidentified mountain range) we tend to get a lot of questions about family friction, especially after the holidays.
Here's the good news: You ask whether it's "too late" to save this relationship. In my humble opinion, nothing is ever "too late" as long as everyone's above ground. Once your brother is pushing up daisies – or as you cinematically put it "fades to black" – then it'll be too late, at which point I predict you and your nephew will both feel terrible pangs of regret.
Yes: I include you. Obviously I don't know everything there is to know here (I never do). But you mention a "tenuous relationship" with your brother and it sounds like you've weighed and measured him and found him wanting.
Maybe your relationship could use a little repair itself, hmmm?
Let me tell you some stuff, not because I'm proud of it, but because I think it might help:
I never had a bad relationship with my father, although I did give him a real run for his money in my teens. (He surprised me a while back at a family barbecue by saying: "You were a real jackass as a teenager, Dave." And here I have to bowdlerize him a bit. He didn't say "jackass." He compared me to a much-maligned part of human anatomy. Hint: it comes into play if you get a colonoscopy.)
And, hmmm, I also made life difficult for him in my 20s, 30s, and 40s as well.
But here's the other good news: The past few years we've been getting on great. And he's in his early 80s! Point being: It's never "too late," as long as everyone's still breathing.
Now, I don't know what your financial picture is, but if it's at all economically feasible/viable might I urgently suggest a three-way, physical, geographical get-together?
This is not the type of friction to be solved by e-mail, the worst medium ever invented for solving friction. Trying to solve any kind of tension via e-mail is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
And phone I don't think will suffice, either. What are you going to do, have a conference call? They are annoying at the best of times.
No, I think in person, face to face, is the only way to go here. I understand this might be tough to broker under the circumstances. But give it your best shot. You'll thank yourself (and maybe even me) later.
Now, the way you describe your brother makes it sound like there could be some difficulties even then. Luckily, I don't have any family members with this obsessive need to be right – but I have known people with this chip.
So here's a suggestion: Why not just treat it as a quirk of his personality and let it go? Let him win a few arguments. Just shrug and think: "Ha-ha, what a guy. It's so cute/funny how he always needs to win these arguments."
After all, I don't predict he will be changing his stripes any time soon.
Tell yourself, and your nephew, it's all in the service of a greater good. Pace Philip Larkin, and my own sentiments as a younger man, blood is thicker than water. Friends disperse. Bosses fire you. Employees quit.
Family members abide.
Even if it doesn't work, even if the get-together I'm suggesting is a disaster (then blame me), at least you'll have the satisfaction of saying you tried.
Are you in a sticky situation? Send your dilemmas to damage@globeandmail.com. Please keep your submissions to 150 words and include a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.