Single and conceiving through a sperm donor, Lori Gottlieb, the author of the controversial self-help book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, lamented having applied “feminist ideals” to her dating life.
Like countless writers in the screeching pink dating-book genre, Ms. Gottlieb pitted feminism against romance, a manufactured rivalry now explored in Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life. U.S. author Samhita Mukhopadhyay writes that an “unchecked industry” of dating tomes blames a “bastardized exaggeration” of feminism for boosting women’s careers while nuking romance, chivalry and even masculine men.
“Feminism is considered ‘icky’ … an unattractive choice that will never get you laid,” writes Ms. Mukhopadhyay, a 33-year-old speaker, lecturer and editor of the blog Feministing.com.
She argues that books such as He’s Just Not That Into You, Don’t Be That Girl, The Man Whisperer and Marry Him play on women’s insecurities, pushing antiquated gender roles and impossible expectations. Why are dating books all geared to women? Because women are still viewed as the party most invested in relationships: “Women always want more and men always want less,” Ms. Mukhopadhyay writes.
Her dating guide for feminists attempts to debunk myths peddled by the mainstream dating industry: that men are simple and women are complex; that women aren’t hardwired to have sex like men, and that women who make more money than their romantic prospects may be out of luck.
The author ultimately hazards that feminists are actually better primed for relationships than other women: They have better sex because they like their bodies; they know what they want, ask for it and walk away when their partners aren’t accountable; and they don’t define their self-worth through couplehood, which can make for softer breakups.
Ms. Mukhopadhyay spoke to The Globe and Mail from Brooklyn.
How many crappy dating books did you have to read in preparation for this?
I probably read nine or 10. I was never really into those books, but I had a friend who gave me a copy of Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. I was frustrated that an intelligent, independent woman was getting her advice from a book like that. There are also plenty of books written by men about dating for women. [Travis L. Stork’s] Don’t Be That Girl was probably the most appalling book I’ve ever read. Each chapter was a caricature of a woman – Busy Girl, Needy Girl, Whiny Girl – and advice on how not to be that girl, including, “Don’t talk about your job too much” and “Don’t ask when he’s going to call.” These dating books fall into a long tradition of men diagnosing women and their nervousness.
Your argument is that the dating self-help industry, not feminism, is ruining women’s love lives.
The idea that feminism hurts your love life is a really regressive idea. Basically the advice is: Don’t brag about your career, don’t make a man feel emasculated, make sure he asks you out because you don’t want to upset the gender dynamics. They say feminists hate men, but I think that’s a very negative caricature of men, suggesting that men are so fragile and sensitive that if you ask them out you will ruin society as we know it. I think a lot of women get confused.
Dating books often warn about the perils of the loss of men’s breadwinner status. But author Stephanie Coontz argues this isn’t the first crisis in masculinity: In the fifties it was the housewife making hubby work too many hours for her domestic accoutrements. Now she doesn’t need him at all, and that’s a problem.
