Aside from divorce, what do you see as alternatives?
I look at arrangements in which they don’t talk about it but maybe their marriage is a little tolerant, or they practise the 50-mile rule, where they could have a fling if it’s beyond the home base. Then I move into the updated open marriage, where it has to be consensual and they can have other attachments under certain conditions. The best estimate I could find was [that this accounts for] five per cent of marriages. It’s definitely not for everyone but I thought it was interesting to see that it ever works at all.
One wife is permitted sex just with other women – the husband sees it as less threatening. Another has a “payback fling” for one of her husband’s affairs: she lets him know and makes the family a nice casserole dinner for when she’s out. These pacts seem like the opposite of don’t ask, don’t tell.
Ethically, it’s a really different arrangement because the spouses genuinely believe that it’s possible to have more than one intimate attachment and they have to consent that it’s a life they want to try in marriage. There’s a real premium placed on honesty. This new ethical non-monogamy is a philosophical belief.
It doesn’t get messy? What about the human tendencies toward resentment, jealousy and insecurity?
I think that they’re incredibly challenging relationships. There are all sorts of issues and negotiations that go on around that. On the other hand, having a relationship of lifelong marital monogamy is also very challenging. At least in the United States, we haven’t succeeded at it all that well. I don’t think there’s anything that’s easy.
Another interview subject, Josie, suggests alternative arrangements such as non-monogamy don’t work if a relationship is “unequal.” Aren’t most relationships unequal?
That is the big problem: Can it be truly consensual? Can it actually be something that both partners really equally believe in? Given all those difficulties, it’s interesting to discover situations where it does work.
Who loses out bigger in the semi-happy marriage? Men or women?
Men feel a little penned in and women told me they felt lonely. The feelings are different but it’s not ideal for either spouse. In the U.S., women still initiate divorce more but that statistic isn’t easily interpreted.
How does the workaholic wife fit into all of this?
There are so many ways to arrange breadwinning now, from stay-at-home-dads to stay-at-home-moms to dual career. One of the chapters that’s resonated so far is the workhorse wife. The problem now is that marriages still need to move forward on being fair. If one spouse feels like he or she is always the backstage roadie and the other spouse is the rock star who gets to pursue the big career dream, that situation can cause real tension. The issue of fairness of whose doing the unglamorous work, however that’s defined, is still with us.
Although you insist it’s not an advice book, you suggest people should live marriage as if they’re “always on vacation.” What does that mean?
Some marriages have gone over the deep end with responsibility and taking care of the home front. Those are great values but these marriages are swallowed up in the routine. For that kind of marriage, maybe they need to have a little more bungee-jumping kind of energy. Occasionally, they’ve got to do something that’s kind of selfish, that is just for them.
Are you and John exploring any of the other alternatives yourself, or planning to?
I’m happy with our marriage now and writing this book on occasions sent me flying back into the arms of my marriage because I heard all sorts of stories of things that were even worse. So, you know, it’s good to be appreciative of what you do have.
This interview has been condensed and edited.
