The question
My sister and her fiancé are getting married (both second marriages), and chose a destination wedding to Europe. This year, my husband and I got married and purchased our first home, so we don't have funds for a trip. My sister assumes we will "somehow" afford the trip. We are young professionals and will not work extra to support an extravagant request, and do not use credit cards for things we cannot pay for. I told my parents we will not be attending due to finances; my parents are hurt and have now offered to pay for the trip – no strings attached. We have refused their handout. Are we being too prideful? Should we accept for the sake of keeping the family happy?
The answer
I have some conflicted feelings on the topic.
First I would like to say: I applaud your thrift. More of us should be like you and try to live within our means.
Too many of us buy stuff in hopes we will eventually "somehow" be able to afford it. A typical family of (say) the 1930s would plotz to see how recklessly we spend money we don't really have. And the "destination wedding" is the ultimate symbol of that. They're predicated on the notion that everyone invited can afford to go to Tahiti or Italy. And pay for hotels and whatever else, without pain.
But not everyone can, usually. (My secret suspicion? If it so happens the numbers are kept down by weeding out the riff-raff who can't afford it, the bride and groom aren't exactly weeping into their champagne flutes.)
And in this case, where the sister of the bride (you) has openly said she can't afford to come – well, I find your sister's reaction annoyingly blithe.
If you decide to refuse the money and stay home, you'd be well within your rights, I think. As I say, I applaud thrift in all forms, and perhaps you're thinking you'd like to save your parents' ability to bestow cash gifts for an emergency.
If you do that, there are protocols to follow in turning down a wedding invite. You should still give a gift. Also something in writing wishing them well and expressing regret you can't be there, that they can read at the ceremony or not, as they choose. Also express your regret, in person. Tell your sister the honest truth why, and wish her the very best.
Having said all that, I do think you should accept your parents' generous offer, and go to the wedding.
For one thing, your parents clearly want you to go. That's big. I don't know them, but I have a feeling they'd be somewhat heartbroken if you didn't take their money and go to their other daughter's wedding. And I don't think they'd offer if they couldn't afford it.
Also, I confess part of me just doesn't like the idea of turning down cash. As Seinfeld says: "People don't turn down money. It's what separates us from the animals."
Furthermore, destination weddings, though a pain, are fun. In my life I've been to three: one in Italy, one in Mexico, one in Ireland.
Not one of them did I feel I could afford. In fact, at the Italian one, in an episode that causes me to this day to clutch my face and emit a low, cow-like bellow of mortification – to literally "moo" with shame (the highest level of shame-memory: "the Bovinizer") – I missed my non-refundable flight home and wound up having to borrow $1,000 from the groom.
Hmmm, I'm not selling the "destination wedding for broke people" too well here, am I?
But in the fullness of time I'm glad I went to all three. They were all a blast. A sort of instant community forms: You see people not only at night, but in the morning, over mimosas or whatnot. And life's short, right? One's sister's destination wedding has what they call in Hollywood "a tent-pole moment" written all over it.
Mainly, though, it's about supporting your sister. It'd be sending quite a strong message if you turned down free money to bear witness to her tying the knot. You might hear about that one for a while.
In brief: Take the money, get tipsy (not drunk), keep your speech pithy, have fun and show your support.
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