THE QUESTION
I am planning my wedding and there is one situation I am finding very stressful: A friend I've known for years is in an on-again-off-again relationship with a man who has been both emotionally and physically violent with her. I know that it can take a very long time for people to finally leave abusive relationships, and I work to stay supportive of her despite the fact that her decisions around him are incomprehensible to me. But there is no way I can include his name on the invite I will be sending her. I don't want him there. I worry that leaving him off will draw some defensive anger on her part, possibly even cause a real rift, isolating her further. And yet, I think I would rather elope than have this man at my wedding. Is there an iron-clad wedding rule that says you have to invite the on-for-now partner even if you think he is a terrible person?
THE ANSWER
Tough one. In fact, in all my years as an advice columnist, this was one of the biggest head-scratchers I've come across.
I can see both sides. On one hand, it's your day and this guy's mere presence is obviously going to cause you stress and potentially bring down the tone of the event.
On the other hand, as I think you intuit, if you specifically preclude her, of all your guests, from bringing a plus-one, she may feel singled out, and judged. She could get very hurt, and I could foresee it leading to the end of your friendship, thus "isolating her further," as you say – the last thing someone in an abusive relationship needs.
The more I thought about this one, the more stumped I became. I have a group of wise, village-elder type friends I consult in these situations. I put your question to them.
Then I threw the net wider, asking acquaintances, people I work with, even a couple of complete strangers. And it divided right down the middle.
Half said something like: "It's a no-brainer! A woman in an abusive relationship needs support from her friends. If the bride-to-be doesn't invite him, it will go badly for her. Don't forget, this dreadful dude may not realize how many people know his dirty little secret. He may get angry and take it out on her. Also, at the wedding, she can see healthy relationships up close."
The other 50 per cent said something like: "It's a no-brainer! It's her day, she should be allowed to invite whomever she wants. She doesn't have to invite this awful guy. As long as the bride-to-be explains her reasoning to her friend, it should be fine. If the friend decides not to come or end the friendship, that's her choice."
And a couple said: "Who cares about the wedding? Get her the help she needs."
And that's sort of where I land. It's my job as an advice columnist to render a decision. There's an old Yiddish saying I subscribe to: "Seek the advice of many, but in the end follow your own counsel." I've done the first bit. Now here comes the second bit, for better or worse:
I think you should invite her, and allow her to bring him. Your wedding can absorb a couple of nasty characters without bringing it down. Telling her she can't bring her boyfriend sends too strong a message – to her. And you can be almost certain she is in a fragile state.
People do not get out of abusive relationships for all kinds of complex reasons. Sometimes they think they can change the abuser, or that they're somehow at fault or they deserve it.
You sending a message could be a total tipping point. Better that you and all the bridesmaids and whoever else who profess to be so concerned about her fate gather around her, show your support and inform her there are numerous resources and organizations and institutions that can help her.
Removing an abusive partner from someone's life is a little like surgery, I feel: You want to go in carefully, and know what you're doing. One wrong move could cause irreparable damage.
Then, once you've all helped her get rid of this guy, maybe she can find someone you'd be happy to invite to your anniversary party.