The question
I am a separated woman in my 50s who recently met a guy online. We spoke on the phone over six days before we met. He's charming and funny on the phone, and I was very interested in meeting him. When we did meet he was very smitten and proceeded to stare at me and tell me how amazing I was. Rather than be flattered, it really killed the attraction. I told him he was coming on too strong, talking about next summer and even next Christmas – I started to get really alarmed. But within another half hour he was at it again. I couldn't look him in the eye without him leaning in for a kiss. I said I would go out again but I'm not really looking forward to it. The "Damage Control" aspect is that I had shared a lot on the phone, and that created a sense of intimacy that really should have developed over time. I realize he's lonely and that makes it so hard to tell him I don't want to continue seeing him. Is there a good way to do this?
The answer
Good question, what with Valentine's Day coming up and all.
Now, bear in mind, I've been married 23 years (thank God), but from what I've observed: 1) I think dating gets a lot tougher when you get a little bit older; 2) Dating has changed so radically since I was "out there" as to become almost a totally different beast.
In your 20s you tend to congregate in groups more than you do in later life. Which made "pitching woo" (I sound like I'm from the 1920s) easier, I found, because you could hang back and wait until a genuinely witty observation occurred to you, at which point you would lob it like a grenade into the general discussion. And the girl in the little black dress at the other end of the couch might laugh, a throaty chuckle or merry titter (like the tinkling of tiny bells). The thought balloon above her head: "Hmm, you're funny. I've made up my mind about you and the answer is: Yes."
But now, with the proliferation of dating sites, so much happens online. Which is great. There's lots of choice. (Too much, I sometimes think: When you can order people up like so many pizzas, you don't invest time enough looking past the surface of the person in front of you – but that's a discussion for another day.) And at least you know, going in, the other person is single.
The problem is you wind up in a tête-à-tête with an almost complete stranger – or let's say "someone you've never interacted with in person"– and it's like a job interview: You unpack your romantic résumé, try to impress, and list your qualifications for the position of "Lover."
And these encounters can go on for hours. Exhausting! Who's got that kind of material?
Answer, in the case of your would-be paramour: not him. He's clearly got no "game" whatsoever. In fact, I would go further and say, based on what you've told me, he hails from a little town called Red Flag City.
Red Flag 1: Too suddenly infatuated. I get that he's lonely, and feel sorry about that, but were I in your shoes, this would make me nervous. What hole in his soul is he trying to plug?
Red Flag 2: Too smoochy-smoochy, a.k.a. "poor impulse control." If I were a woman, poor impulse control would be a big one for me. If he can't control this urge, what might he do next?
Meantime, he's a "kiss bully"– yes, I made that up, but it's apt, isn't it? Kissing you without reading your body-language signals, which I assume are obvious: huge red flag.
Red Flag 3: Not backing off when requested. This I've learned from observing others and my own marriage (if my wife stomps off and slams a door in my face, it's a grave mistake for me to follow her and attempt to continue the discussion). If someone says they need "space"– i.e. a break from you – give it to them! So yes, I would say: Serve this guy his Bachelor Papers – the sooner, and the more clearly and decisively, the better.
No more wishy-washy, namby-pamby "I'll go out with him even though I don't feel like it." That, in fact, my darling, is the true damage you need to control, not telephonic oversharing. What's a little over-the-phone overshare? Harmless.
But now you're leading him on – thinking you're being kind, but in fact being cruel by prolonging a relationship you're clearly not interested in.
As Seinfeld says: "Like a Band-Aid: right off!" Painful at first, but then the healing can begin and you can both start looking for someone that's a better "fit" – maybe even before that Deadline of Doom (in so many people's minds, including mine), Valentine's Day, drops like a chocolate-and-floral-scented anvil into all our lives.
Are you in a sticky situation? Send your dilemmas to damage@globeandmail.com. Please keep your submissions to 150 words and include a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.