Next year - tomorrow in fact - I vow to be a better person. I will think more creatively. I will redecorate my living room. And, if possible, I will lose 10 pounds.
But today, I have other plans.
Yes, it's time once again for Resolutions of the Rich, Powerful and Ridiculous. Because our fearless leaders, newsworthy miscreants and celebrity forces of nature are way too busy to worry about a little thing like self-improvement, I have spent hours crafting their New Year's vows. (Charlie Sheen's was a no-brainer.)
If you are lucky enough to be included in this list, please pick up your resolution and proceed to tomorrow. No substitutions allowed.
Julian Assange: I will not have sex with Scandinavians ever again, whether they ant me to or not.
Prime Minister Stephen Harper: Didn't get a whole helluva lot done legislatively this year, but did you see that totally awesome video of me at the Tory party belting out Sweet Caroline ("hands, touching hands, reachin out....)? My ambitious agenda in 2011? (I Can't get No) Sa tisfaction, and if we have time before an election, Bridge Over Troubled Water. (After the next campaign, I sure hope I won't be singing You Can't Always Get What You Want.)
Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff: Hmmph. This is just showy nonsense. Canadians don't care if you can cover a rock tune, they care if you cover their medical expenses! Okay, secretly I have been trying to breakdance. But Zsuzsanna is worried I'm going to hurt myself. And besides, why can't I just be myself? Oh yeah, right, because it's not working. So how about a reality show? Sarah Palin has one. Let's call it Michael Ignatieff's Etobicoke, and on it I will skeet shoot pigeons, go door to door in the Polish neighbourhood asking for good perogy recipes and bravely drive along the QEW in a snowstorm.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: My divide-and-conquer inauguration plan went so well I think I'll ask Don Cherry to be a goodwill ambassador to the cultural community, heh heh heh.
Don Cherry: What, me making nice with a buncha thumb-sucking grant-seeking pansies? Hey, maybe I should ask them, 'Ever thoughta makin' a movie or a whatchamcallit play about a loudmouth hockey personality with a big heart who, just by callin' it like he sees it, accidentally starts the Pink Pushback Revolution?' Uh, wait a minute, that might make me the sucker instead of all those pinkos.
Metro Toronto Police force: We tried to beat Nobody but in the end, Nobody beat us. This year, as the G20 police brutality case involving complainant Mr. Adam Nobody unfolds, let's have no more hiding behind badgeless and nameless dishonour. Signed, anonymous.
Sarah Palin: Dang it, I will just continue to make more money than God, be more popular than God and definitely have more airtime than God. And there's not one bit of scripture in the Good Book that refudiates my right to do so. As for seeking the presidency, only time and tweets will tell.
U.S. President Barack Obama: Call me crazy but I'm just going to continue pushing through difficult legislation, compromising with the Republicans and you know, governing. I mean, I'm still the most admired man in America, and I haven't sung anything yet, least of all my swan song.
Oprah: I feel people's attention wandering away from me for the first time ever, so listen up! This year marks the start of my very own network, appropriately called OWN. In other words, I won't be in your world any more, you'll all be in mine. And if you think my giving away cars was big, wait till you see what I'm giving away next. (How about a couple of the smaller states?)
Scarlett Johansson: Okay, so I wasn't very nice to Ryan Reynolds and now we're divorced after only two years of marriage. But look at what I've given him: Do you know how many women will be coming out of the woodwork trying to treat him right now? He's set, even if he is Canadian. And I'll go back to growing as an artist and being mysterious, two things I do better than marriage.
Charlie Sheen: I promise to be better behaved than Mel Gibson. What could be easier, even for me?
Kate Middleton: I will try bloody hard not to be a royal bridezilla, but that commemorative coin that makes my swollen face look like I'm on steroids has got to go. Plus, on my way to my wedding in that royal coach, I may look like I am simply waving and smiling but inside I intend to be praying hard: "Rest in peace, Diana. May your beautiful ring bring me the all the luck and love you never had." Let's face it, it's a royal crapshoot, but then, isn't any marriage?
Christopher Hitchens: Speaking of praying, dear Lord, please keep me alive for another year so I can continue to deny your existence.
Elin Nordegren: What a difference a year makes. Tiger can eat his heart out. No more pity parties for this one. I'm rich, divorced and beautiful. So what's wrong with sex with Scandinavians?