News

There is a new gender war brewing in the salty trenches of heterosexual relations, and it centres, as so many skirmishes do, on the bedroom.

It's about men who bring their laptops into bed with them. And I don't mean once in a while, to Google up a bit of porn or do a lick of work while convalescing with a life-threatening illness (both of which are obviously perfectly reasonable reasons to bring a computer to bed).

I mean men who use their laptops whenever they are in bed, provided they are not sleeping or having sex . . . or dead. From the moment they put on their jammies and snuggle up at night, and then again in the morning with the first eyelid's flicker, the laptop is there. Bluish screen a-glow, battery a-purr, the tippity-tap of the keyboard sounding out a grim, Morse-code lullaby, entitled The Death of Pillow Talk.

It's welcome news for men, of course. I know it's rude to generalize and probably bad for my relationship too, but what the hell. Men -- whether they admit it or not -- avoid pillow talk. The reason is simple: While snuggling and giggling and chatting in bed often leads to sex, more often than not, it also leads to more in-depth talk. And more in-depth talk leads to serious talk, which quickly gets converted into serious plans, which leads to making choices, which leads to not choosing other things, which leads to a feeling of vague, unshakable entrapment, which leads to misery, which leads to death. So as any rational, emotionally actualized contemporary male knows, it is therefore a perfectly reasonable and acceptable practice to bring an electronic digital communication device into bed with you, right?

Okay now, seriously. We need to talk about this. Not just me and my (admittedly technologically addicted) bed companion. We all collectively need to put our computers down and have a Serious Talk. I know, it's stuff like this that drove you to cling to your laptop, your hot, rectangular teddy bear, in the first place, but hear me out.

I'm not sure exactly when or why reading e-mail, watching video clips, checking sports statistics, downloading pirated music or, in the case of one female friend's nerdy husband, downloading 30-page essays on Spinoza at 4 in the morning, became normal bed practice, but it's got to stop.

First, let's review the debate. Obviously I'm not writing from personal experience here, but I'd be willing to bet it goes something like this:

She: You're not bringing that thing into bed again are you, sweetie? I thought we talked about that.

He: It's not a big deal, babe. I just need to check the box scores/check my e-mail/download this sound file/update my stock portfolio.

She: That's fine, but do you have to do it in bed?

He: You're reading a book.

She: That's different.

He: How?

She: Books are organic. They're made to be read in bed. Computers are for working.

He: Well, maybe I like to work in bed. What's wrong with that? You like to read, I like to work.

She: I like to work, I just do it in during the day, in an office. Besides, you're not working. You're checking box scores/e-mailing/downloading sound files/updating your stock portfolio.

He: So what's the problem then? Why are you getting so upset?

She: I'm not upset. I just wish you'd be more considerate of my feelings.

He: Not this again.

She: I read a study that said bringing technology into the bedroom can cause serious problems. You know . . . down the road.

He: What are you implying?

She: Nothing! I'm just saying, it's an issue of intimacy. Intimacy is important. These are things we need to communicate about so we don't slip into parallel universes. We need to do things together. Like that French-Vietnamese cooking course I was telling you about. Wouldn't that be fun? It starts in two weeks so if we're gonna do it, we should sign up soon. Sweetie? Are you listening to me?

He: (Looking up from box scores/e-mail/sound file/stock portfolio) Sorry, what?

And on and on it goes. Wherever you find a household with wireless technology, you will more than likely find a man who is trying to bring a laptop into bed and a woman who is trying to prevent him from doing it. One girlfriend of mine confided that she got wireless so her boyfriend wouldn't retreat to his study all night. Now, the computer in bed is threatening their sex life.

Another mother I know has not only outlawed laptops in the marital bed, but also at the breakfast table. "I live in a household of men," she says. "They would sit at the counter in the morning with their laptops reading the news. I said, 'Enough.' There has to be a place in the house where we communicate as people, without technological interference."

According to Catherine Gildiner, a psychotherapist and author of the novel Seduction, "laptop-gate" is a common battle she has seen among clients.

"Taking a laptop into bed is an elaborate, mechanical defence," she says, adding, "It's tragic that, for many couples, a place that used to be the forum for passion and intimacy has now become a computer room."

Gildiner says couples who want to avoid depression and foster intimacy would be wise to have strict household boundaries where technology is concerned. "I really think we need separation," she says. "Since the 15th century, we've had different rooms for different activities, and it's for a good reason."

I couldn't agree more. So if you're reading this on a laptop in bed, all I can do is sigh and shake my head. I thought we talked about this. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience.

lmclaren@globeandmail.com