News

On Canada Day morning the other week, I was torn from sleep at 7 a.m. by a phone call from an editor at London's Daily Mail, asking me brightly what it's like to live in Canada.

"It's early, is what it's like," I growled, throwing myself back into bed and slamming down my cellphone (it was only a voice mail). When I called her back later in the day, she asked, in a calmly panicked tone I call "deadline voice," if I had time to write a 1,700-word editorial in the next, say, five to 10 minutes, on the joys of life in Canada?

Turns out Alberta's Employment Minister, a former farmer named Hector Goudreau, had recently flown across the pond in order to "target" skilled British workers keen on a change of scenery.

"Somebody from London might be able to sell their small flat and come to Alberta where they can buy a detached house with a huge backyard and huge front yard for the same amount," he was quoted as saying to the press. "The cost of living is considerably less than in the U.K. Our salaries are comparable or even higher, so anyone who moves over would be able to make money and set some aside."

The British press predictably went bananas, calling one Albertan's mission to recruit English speakers to toil in the tar sands "one of the most audacious recruitment raids since Australia poached a million Britons - known as the Ten Pound Poms after the ship fare they paid - in the 1950s and 60s." Government agencies expressed fears that the scheme might deepen staff shortages in the British public services.

And I thought, wow! How incredibly flattering that British nationalists would be so threatened by the charms of ... Alberta. Had they ever been to Calgary? And as for the fabulously low cost of living, Goudreau was conveniently leaving out the reality of high income tax and (in Alberta) inflated housing costs. As for setting money aside, someone should tell my friends in Toronto, many of whom, despite double incomes and no kids, can't save a dime.

I told the British editor that I didn't have time to write the editorial. This was too bad since the Mail pays quite nicely and I was feeling a bit strapped, despite my superior quality of life in Toronto. The truth was, I was too busy working on my TV pilot, which happens to be all about a Canadian who moves to Britain. But wait, I thought, after getting off the phone, maybe it should be the other way around?

As a Canadian who has split most of the past seven years between Canada and Britain, I have come to love my birth country and my adopted country equally but for different reasons.

Unlike Hector Goudreau, I have restricted much of my working life to two of those country's largest cities, Toronto and London. Over the course of my expatriate immersion, I have noticed the following striking differences between Canadians and Britons that should be noted in light of the possible coming British invasion.

1. While we both have a tendency to apologize for no reason, Canadians actually mean it. When Londoners say, "So sorry!" after you step on their foot in the tube, what they actually mean is, "Piss off!"

2. Britons tend to worry less about their health. Exercise is frowned upon, unless it involves cricket, football or rugby, with which the entire country is obsessed.

3. Britons love to discuss their drunken exploits in a manner most Canadians leave behind in their first-year university dorm. The last time I was over, a woman told the obviously well-worn story of how she threw up on her wedding night, while her bridesmaids held her veil and dress. She was consoled by the fact that her groom and father were also puking in the next stall. Most Canadian brides would die of shame or (more likely) pretend that it hadn't happened.

4. The English wear pants, but only under their trousers.

5. In Toronto, cold people become friendlier with drink, while in Britain, it is not uncommon for a friendly person to become downright venal after a few pints. In fact, it's a well-known truth that in Britain, nastiness when drunk runs in inverse proportion to niceness when sober.

6. If you are trying to explain to a British person that you decided not to go out on that blind date with the boring stockbroker, do not say, "I wasn't in the mood, so I stayed home and blew him off." They'll think you mean something else.

I could go on, of course, but I don't want to run the risk of offending people through shameless cultural stereotypes (more to the point: I'm out of space). But suffice it to say that these two cultures, while bound by a common language, are vastly different. The idea that a sophisticated Londoner would want to trade in his Islington flat for a ranch house in the suburbs of Calgary is improbable at best.

My advice to the government of Alberta: If you are serious about attracting the Brits, stock up on booze and play down the winter. Like the English sense of irony, it can be deadly.