Lying children will not be tolerated in Kelli Catana's house.
But each time her mother-in-law steps out for a cigarette, she hears the same inquisitive chorus from her four kids: “Where's Nanny going?”
She'll tell them Nanny went out to the car. Or that she had to go get something. An honest answer would involve a frank chat about the perils of smoking. Heavy stuff for children aged 7 to 2.
“If I tell them, then my mother-in-law's going to walk in and they're going to say, ‘You're killing yourself and you're going to die,' ” says the 37-year-old Ottawa mom . “There's a limit. I mean, do I tell serious lies to my children? It depends.”
While most mothers and fathers try to walk their talk, many are Pinocchio parenting – teaching their kids that lying is bad while regularly feeding them fibs, a new study has found.
In a report published in the current issue of the Journal of Moral Education, researchers at the University of Toronto and the University of California found that parents who stress the importance of truth-telling to their little ones quite often tell lies to influence the children's behaviour or emotions, whether it's an idle threat to make them eat their peas or boost their confidence by praising their ear-splitting saxophone solo.
“Because it's easy, we just do it,” says study co-author Kang Lee, director of the Institute of Child Studies at the University of Toronto's Ontario Institute for Studies in Education. “Some parents may have been doing it for years and they really have no idea they are actually telling lies.”
Prof. Lee and Gail Heyman, a psychology professor at the University of California San Diego, conducted two studies to find out whether parents lie to their kids to influence behaviour or emotions. The first asked 127 American undergraduate students to recall lies their parents told them. They were then read anecdotes involving a mother and a six-year-old daughter and judged the intent of the lie: Was it told to make the child behave or to make them feel better about themselves? Finally, the students were asked whether their parents emphasized the importance of honesty to them as kids. The second study quizzed 127 parents in a similar style on whether they lie to their kids and if they teach honesty in their homes.
Both studies found parents regularly lie to their kids while sending the overall message that lying is wrong.
The consequences of parenting-by-lying will be the basis of his next study, which Prof. Lee expects will reveal both positive and negative effects.
“If your child discovers that mom and dad has lied, they may realize not every single word we say is true and that would allow them to develop a healthy sense of skepticism,” he says. “But on the other hand they might lose trust.”
While Prof. Lee encourages parents to try more honest tactics instead of telling a lie, he's quick to own up to a little Pinocchio-parenting of his own.
To quell his son's habit of fidgeting in his car-seat, the savvy dad renamed the hazard button on his dashboard the “eject” button. If dad presses the button, six-year-old Nathan thinks he'll be catapulted from the vehicle.
“I just put my hand over it” and Nathan behaves, Dr. Lee says.
Parents tell good lies and bad lies, says Daniel Lagacé-Séguin, an associate professor of psychology at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax who researches parenting and social development.
“Often when parents lie, it's not the same type of lying they're trying to discourage their kids from doing,” he says. But if the child catches mom and dad in a fib, parents should be ready with a solid justification, he says.
Most parents lie to shield their children from knowing too much too soon.
