Like a pot roast, I lie - exposed, face down and unmoving - while Susurrus Spa therapist Amanda Leith rubs paprika on my bare rump.
The spice sinks into my flesh with a prickly, peppery sensation. It distracts me from the fact that someone is touching me in a way that would normally set off cries of "stranger, danger!"
"How do you feel?" Leith asks, covering my right cheek with plastic wrap, which, I'm told will maximize paprika absorption.
"Mmpff..." I lift my head to respond. "It feels warm."
That's a good sign, Leith assures me. It means the concoction is stimulating blood flow to the ... er ... area, working to minimize cellulite and stretch marks.
She deftly moves on to the other cheek, and I bury my face again.
The end result, I pray, will be succulent.
"Fanny facials," as such treatments are oxymoronically called, are big at spas in Hollywood, where year-round beaches and ever-present paparazzi require that famous and flawless fundaments are maintained. But with summer approaching, experimental spa-goers across the United States, from Minneapolis to New York, are spending up to $650 (U.S.) for non-invasive procedures to beautify their rears. And now the trend has reached Susurrus Spa at Poets Cove Resort on tiny Pender Island, between Vancouver Island and the B.C. mainland ( ).
While individual treatments vary, the basic steps are the same. Not surprisingly, they are similar to actual facials. The skin is thoroughly cleansed, exfoliated, moisturized and massaged, with the aim of producing a firmer, smoother, more relaxed derrière. Susurrus uses Eminence skin-care products, made in Hungary from organic hand-picked fruits, herbs and spices. Hence, the paprika, which is praised for its invigorating qualities. For $60, you get about 45 minutes of posterior pampering.
"I'm not sure if it's the whole J.Lo, Beyoncé booty appeal, but there's so much attention now going to the ... backside," says Susurrus manager Alana Delcourt, who avoids the more boorish expressions the likes of me and some dock workers are apt to use. Women are grooming themselves from head to toe, she says, and fanny facials target one of the last areas of neglect.
Delcourt acknowledges that she received plenty of giggles when she added fanny facials to the spa's menu in April, but the idea came from clients themselves, who were seeking advice on how to prep for bikini season.
So far, only women have tried the treatment, but men have expressed curiosity, she says. "It's just fantastic how many people are interested in it."
Within the first couple of weeks, the spa had treated more than half a dozen behinds before encountering mine.
In a private, warmly lit room, Leith starts by buffing my bottom with a dry loofah, then applies a eucalyptus cleanser. Next, she polishes it with a poppy seed microdermabrasion exfoliant, followed by the piquant paprika masque and luxurious moisturizing lotion.
Thankfully, perhaps as much for her view as for my modesty, she keeps one cheek draped with a sheet while she works on the other, so I am never entirely starkers.
By the time she's finished with me, my glutes and the muscles of my lower back and thighs are indeed relaxed. The skin of my seat does seem smoother and softer, although the redness and spiciness will linger more than an hour after I leave.
One question nags at me, however, and I raise it before Leith exits to allow me to squeeze back into my pants.
"How does it look?" I ask, sheepishly.
All visible cheeks in the room flush.
For the first time since I dropped my drawers, Leith is clearly flustered.
"I don't know what to say," she says, and I realize my faux pas.
Discussing one's private parts in polite company remains taboo, even after exposing them ceases to be.
Wency Leung